What I learnt from The Moon!

"The Moon" is perhaps the most poetic scientific object that one may fathom. 

Think about it! To express immense love she may say, “I love you to the moon and back!” and to compliment her on her beauty you may hear him saying, “You look as beautiful as the moon!” 

To someone who is alone the moon is the best company. It is known to have a serene and calm effect and yet has the power to rule our lives – Lunar Calendar is the nest example. Astrologers believe that it is the bearer of feelings. And we all know that The Moon has the power to turn the tides.

Why am I talking about the Moon you ask? Well, a few days back my husband and I went for a nice night time ride and the sky was lit with this radiance that literally filled our mind and soul. For the first time, I did not pull out my phone to capture a photograph because it would have done injustice to the feeling of fulfillment we got looking at the full moon. It was the night of Kojagiri Poornima… a night that is dedicated to Indra - The Lord of Rains seated on his white elephant Airavat as well as to Goddess Lakshmi for bestowing her abundance on earth. It is the night that marks the end of Monsoons and Harvest season starts and so does the preparation for Diwali.

And that set me thinking… There is so much that this satellite hold in store… everyone, whether a Man of Books or that of Science venerate her. To a poet she is the epitome of beauty and to a married woman she is the God who will protect her husband. To some She is the Queen of the solar system and to some she is just a figure of speech… For me Moon is a feeling… it connects me to myself. Sounds poetic, I know. But it truly does. Many a times when sitting alone or trying to do something productive, I often look out of the window and when I see the Moon, I find a link to my own thoughts. It helps me think and as mad as it may sound, makes if possible to have a conversation – a rare conversation with myself. There is so much I have learnt while this (seemingly mad activity) from that cosmic friend of mine… She often teaches me that…

Light and Dark are both a part of you :

No one can be full of light at all times and similarly no one is dark always. You have both light and dark within you. You have positive and negative both… Yin and Yang are both yours and one cannot exist while the other ceases. Both are important parts of you. For the lights helps achieve the spiritual goals and the dark keeps you real. You need to respect both the aspects. More so, you need to attain the wisdom to strike the balance between the two. You have to imbibe within you the strength you get from the light and phase out of the shadow. 

The moon is a classic example of this balance… She takes in what makes her strong, the light from the sun and even though she is swallowed by the darkness, she find a way to show her radiance, not by killing the darkness but by illuminating herself. You too, like The Moon, should remember that the shadow will always try to take you over… this shadow is the negativity around you, the nay-sayers and the ones who don’t understand your choices are always there… but you also have the blessings of the well-wishers and your loved ones to give you strength. Both are a part of your existence. It is up to you to choose what makes you radiant. You have to decide what brings out the strength to illuminate the darkness around. So acknowledge both the Light and the Dark and show the world what you can do with each!

Wear your marks with pride – They make you beautiful.

There is nothing called as perfection in this world. Nothing is perfect and no one is flawless. Even Perfection has a scope for improvement. Given this fact, you or I or The Moon herself is no exception. She has marks all over her and yet she is considered the measure for a person’s beauty. Then why do we always strive for that visual and emotional beauty outside. 

I mean, we all have some or the other scars… I am not talking about the physical ones only, some emotional scratches or broken heart or a hurt conscience is also a scar that we carry. But these aren’t the ugly marks that we may perceive as. These are in fact the battle scars that should be worn with pride. It is the sign that you fought. It means that you heeded your stronger self. So what if you fell and scraped a bit? So what if those struggles made you bleed crimson and blue? So what if some people cringe at the scars? For they harbor such immense learning that no book can teach you. These scars are the lessons you have learnt from your failures and experiences. This experience, this wisdom, this strength is what enriches your life. It gives meaning to your existence. So wear your scars with pride… if anything they will only enhance your beauty.

It’s okay to go through phases

I kept the best lesson for the last… It so happened that last year we had a miscarriage and that threw me in a really bad phase… It started with blaming myself, finding reasons to deny that it was destiny and then a circle of thoughts that aimed at hurting my maternal instinct. Denial - this cannot happen to me… Self-doubt – am I not capable to be a mother… Anger – aimed at myself, my husband and the doctors for not being able to save the day… Irritation at everyone telling me it will be alright… frustration at anyone telling me I too went through this… all of this was becoming a routine. I know that everyone was there for me and they were trying to get me back to my feet. They were trying to get me to the point of logic that I seemed to have lost… and today I respect their intentions, but back then I did not want to acknowledge any of it. It was a bad phase. 

What brought me out was a friend telling me, “Go on… Feel everything that you want to… cry if it helps, have the outburst that you want to have, scream if you need to… its okay to feel every emotion and express it too. But once you have done it Move on… don’t linger!” and that was the best advise I got. That night I was at the window seething in my own pain and I there it was, a bright crescent that decorated the otherwise gloomy sky. The next few days she went on waning further till she was at the point of extinction… I didn’t see her till a couple of days later when she was back and then she took over the full face… That set me right!

It is okay to go through phases… it’s is okay to feel bad, low or even depressed. When feeling so, seeking help is not a sign of weakness but strength to have come out and acknowledged your feelings. It is okay to be happy and show it off… but once you have done so, move on! Don’t get hung on those feelings… feelings should have a flow… just like time they should change and so should your perspective… be like the Moon – Fade away, if it helps but remember to come back with all the brightness you have within.

Lessons Learnt :

There is so much we can learn from things around us – Nature, Science, Animals and People… everyone and everything has something to offer, you need to take it and find a meaning that makes you wiser.

PC : Google Images

Bedroom Equals We Time

“You never have time for me. It is always you and those useless videos you keep watching” she complains for what seems to be the millionth time. She has lost the count by now.

“I am with you… Look!” he says putting his arm around her and continues to watch some comedy show.

“Are you?” she stares at him.

“What do you mean?” He shrugs as if it is nothing to even talk about.

She has nothing to say… but she is burning inside.

She slides into the kitchen, takes a sip of cold water and gulps the futile anger with it and continues to finish her chores.

Sounds familiar?

It is a typical conversation that most married or live in couples have one time or the other. And believe me, no one can change it. All we can do is maybe try to lessen the frequency of such conversations and increase the quality time between us and our partner. Shall we try then?

Before we begin, we need to understand this carnal need to spend time together – the Need for We Time. We, as in Your Partner and You, have different responsibilities. Yes! While you have a plan in place to share them, they are different expectations that you have defined for yourself. He is to earn and she is to cook. I am not saying he doesn’t cook or she doesn’t step out the curb. However, we often get so engrossed in our own expectations and responsibilities, we tend to forget that we too have the right to shed all of that for some time and find ourselves… at such times we often crave for some time off… This is the We time.

We Time is the time when you want to forget about everything and just be with each other. It is the time which should be used to remind yourself and each other the very reason of you being together. It is an opportunity to say those unsaid things and steal your private moments from the Rut of Life. We time is the time to rejuvenate the feelings and dust off the “Taken for Granted – ness” that your life brings over the time. It is the time to rediscover yourself and reinvent your relationships!

Like everyone else, my husband and I, also find ourselves craving for this We time and we have some tricks up our sleeves to ensure that we try to grab a few moments of We time every day! Yes, it is possible! I am taking the risk of sounding cheesy, but you really don’t need those luxury vacations that burn a hole in your pocket to do this… your bedroom equals to your We Time and here’s how!

The 10 seconds rule

While each of us is busy attending to our own to do list, there is a way to melt into nothingness for just 10 seconds and the result will astonish you! Every night before we sleep, we hug each other for 10 seconds at least! Now now now… don’t you go painting the town pink with your imagination! I am taking about a hug that says, “Let me show you that you are special to me… My precious” It is the best way to reassure yourself and your partner of the fact that you are physically and emotionally there for each other. And we all need it! It just takes you to a relaxed and happy place albeit for 10 seconds… but it works magic for the rest of the night. I call it The Teddy Bear Hug!

Leave the woes outside the bedroom door.

I know this one is tough. We had to learn to keep our disagreements and fights off the bedroom. Never ever sleep with unresolved issues… when it comes to issues related to expectations, relationships, communication gaps, misunderstandings and misgivings there is nothing like “Let’s sleep over it”. Actually it is “Let’s get over with it and then sleep”

What strikes me the most about this particular point is that when we started consciously practicing it, the quality of time that we spent just before we turn in for the day got better. We had lesser arguments and we learnt how to end the ones we had. We started understanding the triggers and pacifiers for each other’s emotions a little better. More so, the quality of sleep was better and that meant an absolutely positive and fresh morning time.

Bedroom is not TV room

My husband wants it and I don’t… but I have successfully convinced him of the reason. We do not have TV in our bedroom. After a day of running around and dragging oneself, TV Time is the time to unwind, I agree. But that can be enjoyed in the living room on the couch. Bedroom is a much intimate space. It is where you dump yourself after being tired for the whole day. If we were to have a TV in the bedroom, we would not even live in the rest of the house, would we? Besides, when you view in living room and sleep in the bedroom, you tend to switch it off at a humanly hour and turn in. Also, when we are in the bedroom we tend to talk, read to each other, plan the week ahead, discuss stuff related to real life and so much more… to let you in on a secret – he sometimes hums to me. Bedroom, in turn becomes more personalized and happy.

There is your space, my space and then there is our space

This one is tricky. So when we get married or start living together we don’t necessarily have to be fused as one. We are different individuals who have different needs. He likes to dump clothes in his closet and she likes those plastic baskets to organize hers… and they both deserve to keep their closets the way they prefer. So in our bedroom, apart from the bed nothing is shared. He has his own set of things, mostly a tangle of wires and electronics, on his bed side table and I have my creams and brushes and colors on my side table… he has his dresser and I have my chest of drawers. This helps us have our individual space while we share the common space that is our bedroom.

Mobiles go silent

Most of the times, mobiles are the biggest hindrance in our We time. It is the villain that keeps the hero and the heroine separate. So by the rule issued in public interest, both of us keep our mobile phones on silent or vibrate mode. We are guilty of watching YouTube series or a movie of two while cuddled up on the phones, but once that’s over the phone goes aside and we tuck in. This is not just healthy for your relationship but also for your health. You sleep better and you know the rest!

So these are a few things that we have started experimenting with. It has helped a lot but more so Bedroom has become a happy place to be at when you want to shed off the masks and put your feet up!

Lesson Learnt : A healthy relationship is not about counting minutes, it is about making every minute count. Give each other the best gift of it all – Time, and then pull your sheets up to let Time work its magic! Happy Living!

  

PC : Google Images

Who Are You - What would your answer be…

Have you ever heard the story of the Dying Lady?

It is a Japanese Tale associated with the concept we are about to take a look at. More about it after the story!

So as the tale goes, there was once a lady – old and grey. She had lived a long life of a school teacher, dutiful wife and a proud mother of 4 established children. While on her deathbed, one blessed midnight, she felt herself being pulled out of her human body and soon found herself at the gates for the Heaven.

“Who are you?” asked the Lord of the Heaven. “Think and answer for that will decide your way forth!”

“I am the wife of the village priest.” She said.

“I asked who you are, not whose wife you are.” The Lord said pleasantly.

“I am the mother of my 3 sons and a daughter.” She said a little hesitant now.

“I asked you who you are, not whose mother you are.” The pleasantness hadn’t faded away.

“I am a school teacher. I taught many children.” She replied haughtily, now irritated about the non-validation of her identity.

“I did not ask what you did for a living. I asked Who you are.”

The dialogue went on for some time before finally she replied, “I am the woman who wakes up every morning to nourish her family and mold the minds of young who come to her.”

She then woke up into a fresh morning with “The Purpose Of Her Being!” And the rest, as they say, is a history.

Now imagine, if you will, what would your answer be if you were The Dying Woman? I asked myself this question and it served as an eye opener. I thought and thought and thought! For the longest time I couldn’t find the apt reply to this question…

“Who am I?” some inner voice kept asking me! “Think hard… are you just a daughter, a sister, a wife or a mother?” I couldn’t say a firm Yes to that! Am I just the boss’ guy, the best sales person in your zone, the go to Trainer, the friend who is always there or the proud entrepreneur I aspire to be?

Am I just one or more of these identities? Or is there anything more to “Me”? Hadn’t I added an extra “e” to the “Mee” just make it unique to my writing? Was that an attempt to identify myself with that unique quality that was yet to be found? I kept asking myself as you would probably ask yourself “Who Are You”?

Mind you, do not do so just for the sake of answering to others. Do it for yourself and do not bother about how long it takes you to do it. It took me 30 years to even know that I was good at language. I loved to read and write and share the stuff I learnt. It took me 30 years to identify my skills, and once I did I am still trying not to let go of that side of mine. The process won’t be easy… and it will take a lot of self-awareness and focus to find answers, in my case, writing down the answers and rewriting them and then revisiting the first set… it did become tiresome at times and obsession at times… but the end result is awesome… For once you honestly attempt to answer the question, you will stand a chance to find “The Purpose Of Your Being”.

Like I said this will not be an easy process… No Sir! We often busy our minds to think about everything in the world other than that one entity that holds your world together – YOU! So to find the answer to this question we might have to break it down further. This is where an age old Japanese Concept comes into picture… “Ikigai”.

“Let’s talk English, shall we?”  

Ikigai is a Japanese term for "a reason for being." The word ‘Ikigai’ is usually refers to the source of value in one's life or the things that make one's life worthwhile. The word roughly translates to the "thing that you live for”. It is the reason you wake up every morning. A lucky few have found it and many out there are blissfully unaware of it. For me I have started the process and am still trying to achieve the best out of it. Like the Old Lady, you have to keep asking yourself “Who You Are” until you reach the answer that satisfies your soul. And keep revisiting it no matter how long it might take. If we were to look at the concept closely, we would believe, just like the Japanese do, that the secret to a long and happy life is Ikigai.

It is believed that every person to walk the face of the earth has one… You and I both have our own Ikigai and there are certain questions that can help you understand and pursue it because your Ikigai is your passion that keeps you going. It is the energy that drives you. It is the inner voice that backs every decision you take and every move you make. We all have that reason and sooner or later we find it. Once we do, nothing remains the same. The actions we take to realize our Ikigai, are not forced, but rather spontaneous. They ought to become a part of your life and it is believed to give the people who follow it a happy, long and fruitful life.

Let’s now have a look at how we can find it… Ikigai depends on the following model.

To simplify follow the series of questions Here’s what I have done so far :

Step 1   :           What am I good at?

At this stage you have to consider your strengths and skills. Think about that is it that you get complimented for. Think about that which makes you more comfortable and confident while you do it. This for me was a bit of a challenge. I was so used to thinking about where I lack, listing things I am good at took me a good deal of thinking.

My answers :

Teaching, Writing, Cooking, Communication Skills, Compassion towards Animals, Managing Relationships, People Connect

Step 2  :           What I love?

Now you need to focus on your interests. Things that you love to build, make, create or innovate. Think about the things that you can do without getting tired of. It can be anything that you get engrossed in. This for me was not as difficult but then I was caught between what I believed to be my interests and what really were… Since what I cook turns out good and people like it, I thought that it was my interest. But then there are times when I rather sit with my notebook than knife and ladles. Once I thought what I liked, the picture started building.

My answers :

Talking, Writing, Having long conversations with people, Spending time with dogs, watching motivational videos and analyzing what I learnt

Step 3  :           Finding your passion.

Now go through the answers from the Step 1 and Step 2. You might find one or more areas that are overlapping… this Skill and interests combined are what You are Passionate about. In short,

Skill + Interest =  Passion

For me, this point became crystal clear there were 3 things that Intersected – Writing, Communication and Compassion – towards animals and humans alike. So I guess my passion turns out to be Teaching and Writing (Which is a way of communication) and Connecting Empathetically to the beings around me.

Step 4  :           What does the world need?

No No No… you don’t have to be the baton bearer to show the world the right way. This stage is about what you can do to make small changes to your social circle, community or organization. Think about your ability to influence a situation or a group to do something fruitful. This point was a brain teaser for sure. I mean how can I figure out what the world needs? So I started looking at the immediate vicinity – My home, My friend circle and some of the social media platforms that I frequent. And soon I was able to get at least a few answers

My answers :

People need a safe space, they need Me Time, experience sharing, people need to talk and express their feelings not just digitally but vocally.

Step 5  :           Mission

Now consider the Steps 2 and 4. This is the connection that will help you establish a mission for yourself.

This establishes           Interest + Need = Mission

In my case it became clear as I collated these two lists. My mission should be “To Connect to people and share my experiences and help then get some productive Me Time.”

Step 6  :           I get paid to?

Now here is where you have to get your mind to think logic and practically. Think about everything you can do to earn now. Think about the things that can pay you or become your source of income. For me there was one thing that came easily because I was already a part of a system where I saw people making money doing exactly what my Passion was.

My Answer :  

Writer, Trainer, Influencer, Mentor or Social Media Influencer

I stuck to the first 2 – Writer and Trainer. (Influencer needs people who want to follow and I am still working towards it! And Mentor needs a lot of experience which I have just begun to gain.)

Step 7  :           Vocation

Now put steps 4 and 6 together to identify your Vocation. This is your area of expertise. This is the aspect which will pay you for giving back to the society.

Need + Getting Paid = Vocation

In my journey, I thought the world needed Someone to help them channelize it’s positivity and feelings and I could get paid for Facilitating and at times teaching the Know How. So my Vocation became Interactive Training and writing focusing on Human relations and feelings.

Step 8  :           Profession

Now considering the Step 1 and Step 6, establish your profession. This is the role you should be playing in the larger scale of things in your world.

Skill + Get Paid = Profession.

After quite a few failed attempts at writing Stories and Food related articles (Remember I thought Cooking is my passion)  I sat down to really thing about these two aspects. I was more skilled at Training and Writing. However writing would or would not get me the Money, where as training was a sure aim. Hence my chosen Profession became Training and I chose to sharpen my skills with the identified Vocation of Behavior and Softskills.

Step 9 :                        Ikigai

Now once you combine all these findings – Passion, Mission, Vocation and Profession what you get is the reason you exist. You find the validation of your identity. Sometimes it doesn’t match the actual self that you are… it is then that the Ikigai you have discovered acts as a guiding force. Sometimes explaining the intentions behind your choices and at other times helping you take decisions that seem to be harder to take. It helps you channelize your energy towards a goal that serves your new found purpose.

The answer to my “Who You Are?” is, I am a person who would like to connect to people through her trainings and writings and help them find their voice and channelize their energy towards personal productivity. 

I guess that is my Ikigai. For when I pursue it, I get this sense of immense fulfillment and more often than not I find myself more intimately connected to myself. This makes me happy and gives me that undying feeling of enthusiasm. Like every day I want to get up and reach out to as many as I can and make everlasting connections with them. From my experience I can tell that once you have successfully identified your Purpose of Being, Ikigai brings to you a certain satisfaction and more so a profound happiness. Isn’t that the recipe for a happy and considerably longer life?

Lesson Learnt :

“There is a passion inside you, a unique talent, that gives meaning to your days and drives you to share the best of yourself until the very end. Once you learn to recognize it and channelize the inert energy that it pumps into your veins, you have then found the answer to the question we all seek the answer to – Who Are You?”

On your way to success - 5 Habits of Successful People

<Pause – Pregnant Pause>

By now you must have started formulating the reply to this question. This is one of the most wonderful questions I have been asked… What is success? Is it money? But then the big mafias and the dons have all the money but would you call them successful? Then is it fame? If only fame was the measurement of success, Ms Internet Sensation (The Big Mouth – Oh Jesus) would perhaps be really successful. And that brings me back to the question at hand, what is success?

The fact is each one of us has different definitions of success. For one of my trainees in an English speaking class, Success is when my signature turns to an autograph. It is a nice thought. Success is when someone looks up to you. Success is when you walk into the room and people are happy to have you there. Success is when your son draws you as his idol. Success is when your daughter gives her first elocution speech and gets an applaud and yet her eyes seek yours amidst the crowd. Success is when you hand over your first paycheck to your mother. All of this is success in its own tiny little but immensely significant way.

Socially success is when you are heard across your social group. It is when what you say and do matters to the people you live with. It means that you are able to influence someone for the betterment of the world around you. Success is when you are able to make the world a little better place to live in! And I have been lucky to have come across some wonderful influencers around me. They have contributed to my success in many ways. Sometimes it was a cousin – because of whom I started writing out of jealousy… She is a successful writer because unknown to her she inspired me. And another time it was my Manager who pushed me to my limits to prove my worth before he gave me a promotion. In whichever phase of my life or in whatever face, I have been blessed with successful people who paved my path towards personal excellence. 

Having followed many whom I consider successful and having observed them closely, there are 5 habits that are common among them…

Sleep well and wake up early

As trivial as it sounds, this is one of the most effective habits that help you towards success. It has been proven that the people who get a sound sleep of at least 6 to 8 hours are more productive than people who sleep less. When you sleep in a calm and composed state you are giving your mind a chance to relax. And 6 to 8 hours of rest gives your mind and the internal organs enough time to set their affairs straight. This ensures a more energized and active system. This helps in staying fresh for longer time.

After a sound night sleep, it is a good idea to wake up early. When you wake up at maybe 6.00 am to 7.00am you have enough time to yourself before you get into the routine rut of running around. Mornings are generally pleasant with cool atmosphere, fresh air and if you are lucky, chirping of birds around you. Mornings are also packed energy of a fresh mind and well rested body. Hence morning is the best time to organize your thoughts, plan for the day ahead, work on yourself, exercise, catch up on stuff, watch news, give time to your family and pay attention to your space that you call home.

Engage in yourself

The time you give to yourself is perhaps the best investment because the returns are multi-fold. Your mind harbors immense power that keeps you going. And like every power source, it needs maintenance. Sometimes you have to stop and ask yourself “How are you doing today?” Along with your mind, your body also needs attention. It needs fine tuning so that it is prepared to face the tiring tasks for the rest of the day. How do we achieve this?

A comfortable walk, jog if you wish to, some stretches and some squats. Internet is buzzing with 4 minute to 30 minute work outs… there are 21 day walk or plank challenges… not necessarily for weight loss, but in order to pay attention to your own self, find the ones that suit you and try those. These workouts should feel comfortable, not stressful. Remember the episode of the 90s sitcom Friends where Phoebe runs. Run for yourself! Stretch for your muscles and hold the planks for your stamina. Whether you lose weight or make the cuts on your muscles or not, but I promise you that you will feel good. Exercising keeps you fit and also happy (Something to do with the Happy Hormone) It relieves stress and helps you think. What more can one wish for?

“Pen Down” your thoughts and review them

Have you ever done lines to remember something? I had the biggest struggle with “Regularly” “Immediately” and “Environment” and my Mom made me write the spellings at least a hundred times. I used to hate that and often cheated writing the letters one below the other. That another story! The point, in question, is that writing down helps you visualize and remember things better – Research says! 

So  when you say, I remember everything, you are discounting the fact that you are stressing your mind with loads of unnecessary information that it will keep processing and storing. If you transfer your To Do lists, Shopping Lists, goals and targets for the day or even week, people to call, messages to give, orders to place, people to meet, points to talk about and so much more to a paper, you send a signal to your brain that you have stored the information elsewhere. The brain then can prepare to store the more urgent and important things. Hence, your thoughts are downloaded into a book or app or your journal and your mind is not burdened with anything and everything.

Furthermore, you also get an opportunity to revisit these thoughts at your own leisure and review them. It helps you identify and keep the really important ones and forget about the ones that are unnecessary. It helps you to analyze your own thought process and shed light on the seemingly grey areas. More often than not, these “penned” thoughts help you find your own voice. It helps you get acquainted with yourself. It helps you with Your SWOT Analysis. In my case it makes me go “Woah, what was I thinking?” or occasionally “Wow, I didn’t know I was that good.

Develop a Mindset

Success is not an outcome of just hard work and luck. Although both these aspects are key ingredients to the sweet taste of Success, one cannot rely on these alone. You need to have a strong mindset behind every step you take towards your goal. You need to have a resilient approach and even sturdier belief system. Remember not to mistranslate this as arrogance in any way. I am talking about the belief in You... I am professing a thought process that reflects a persistent value system and yet a hospitable behavior. You gain such a mindset by Knowledge and experience. Knowledge that comes from various sources… things that you learn at school, from elders, friends, idols, success stories and failure stories and Experience that comes, more often than not, from your own life… Experience that comes from every mistake you make or every right decision you take. It is the wisdom of what works and what doesn’t. All of this – belief, approach, knowledge, experience or whatever you want to call it – all of it contributes towards your mindset. And your mindset helps you make the choices. It helps you decide the path you take and also alter it if you realize that it does not lead you to your destination. It also helps you rejoice, in the right way, the completion of your journey. It helps you stay focused and be happy as you achieve your pre decided goals.

Read

I know it sounds old school. But most successful people are well read. I am not saying read the newspaper end to end including the advertisements. However, read more than comic strips and astrology. Pick up a magazine or a book and give it a try. There is always a great deal of stories to share and topics to talk about that you may find. And who doesn’t like to talk to someone who has something to share! 

One of the best ways to become a good communicator is to have some stories to share – not gossips, but stories that hold some information or knowledge. Read because books can take you to the world which you cannot reach. They will fetch you news from other eras and countries and people from far far away. They may also get you acquainted to the real heroes through their life stories. They will bestow upon you the gift of Language – application of grammar, vocabulary and so much more. 

Sometimes books will help you connect to yourself and also express to others what you feel. It is a rich treasure. I agree that not everyone can be a reader… but most of us can be listeners… in today’s day and age, there are so many free resources… audio books, youtube videos about the books, speeches, synopsis and so much more… when the written word is so widely available why not tame it by a simple habit?

I know it is easier said than done. But even if we try to implement one or more of these habits, we stand a chance to be a better version of ourselves every day. After all what is success if not this?

Lessons Learnt : 

Success it that happiness you get when you achieve what you have decided for yourself. It depends on no one… It is yours forever. So don’t stop when you feel exhausted, stop when you know you have done it. Because your success is like an iceberg. What people see is only the tip, what is beneath is a whole inverse mountain od persistence, failure, sacrifice, disappointment, good habits, hard work, dedication and so much more.

The Essentials Of Building Togetherness - My Experience Shared

PC : Google Images

I married my friend from school and that too at a slightly ripe age of 34. When I tell people that I have known him for 25 years, they go “Awwweee!” and naturally I blush. Now many of you would think that getting married to someone whom you know for so long is perhaps the best. You don’t have to struggle much. Life is easy and there is a lot of understanding between the two of you!

All that is easier said… the fact that you were friends first means you know each other socially well, however on a personal level we still are to explore each other. You know, stuff like he snores and she takes an hour in the bath are things that you come to know only when you live together not otherwise. You have never discussed passions, anger, weaknesses, family feuds, deepest desires or untold secrets. You don’t know what action triggers what emotion. All of it only comes after you decide to live under one roof. 

Which brings me to the phase I went through when I got married – The First Year aka the Year of the Expectations! I found myself taking responsibility of everything… as if I was the only one who could. I cooked, I cleaned, I did dishes and laundry… I shopped and I decorated our home… which he too was a part of and yet I never realized that. I thought this was the only way of keeping him happy (which was a promise I had made) I had forgotten the life I had before I had met him. To add on to it every person we met invited “the new couple” over and we had to oblige. Catering to setting up the new home, deciding about groceries to furniture and back to groceries, numerous festivals, extended family engagements, social invites, his shifts and my duties, life had become a hectic circus. 

In the middle of this organized chaos I often remembered the dialogue from Marley and Me which means that everyone wants you to be married and have kids and all but no one ever tells you how hard it is going to be. No university in the world prepares you for all of this. And that is what most of us feel with every little change we face. During this phase I often felt lost and felt alone… as if my husband is there but I can’t find him… They say, “Coming Together is a beginning, Keeping Together is a process and Being Together is Success” and that’s exactly what felt misplaced. It was there but I couldn’t feel it amidst of so many powerful and overwhelming emotions each day brought for us.
“If there is a question there has to be an answer” I told myself and there I took the first step towards building the relationship I had been dreaming of since like forever. No it was not easy because untill then only I was feeling and living all of those emotions. I did not know if he felt the same way! To my surprise he felt exactly the same way… in his words, “I didn’t know so much would change so fast” And hence after a discussion we came to an agreement to take steps towards trying to Build Togetherness. Here are 5 things that we did!

1. To Communicate Feelings!

PC : Google Images

Not just talk or discuss, but to communicate our expectations, our fancies and more difficult of them all to accept our fears. And in turn Listen – Actively, Empathetically and with your Full Body. That means you have to pay attention to the voice and tone and body language as much as the words. Dont let anything interrupt this process. Let them know you want o listen to them. Show that you are genuinely interested.

Learn from their stories and let them understand yours. Sometimes you dont know yet that you have a certain expectation till you speak it out, sometimes you know what to expect but are afraid to confess it. In any case, speaking it out might give your partner a chance to understand your thought process better. Hence communication – a healthy 2 way approach – is utmost important. We do not hesitate to voice our opinions about families, religion, politics, emotions, ideas - both good or bad, each other’s achievements and failures.

2. Have At least One Meal Together

PC : Google Images

It may seem old school to say the least, but we ensure that we at least have one meal together. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy… a simple breakfast of Egg on Toast or a bowl of corn Flakes or just some good old Chai Khari will suffice. He works nights and I usually work days… Given this situation Breakfast and Lunch are the obvious choices for us. Whichever meal it is, we often have it together.

It is important to spend that time with each other during the day. Sometimes it is a bit difficult to manage even that, but we at least try. It not only means spending quality time but also means an excellent opportunity to catch up on a lot of stuff that needs to be done or has been done during the day. Its like a Hand Over Take Over. It makes planning for your time easier. It also means an easy give and take of thoughts and ideas which in turn means effective communication.

3. Dress up for each other 

PC : Google Images

If you want a relationship that looks and feels like the most amazing thing in the world, you have to treat it like it is second to none. And do the same with yourself as well… When you dress up, even if it’s for a walk down the street or vegetable shopping, you tend to put in a great deal of thought in what will they like. And that in itself will take a normal day and make it special. Besides who would want to spend time with a unkempt run down person.

When you are well groomed you feel happy and in turn your loved one feels special knowing that you put efforts for them. It’s not about layers of make-up and hours of hair care, it’s about being presentable. Its about making your better half feel like you value their likes and dislikes and are willing to imbibe whatever you can. I am not saying that be their puppet… no not at all… but be aware of what your partner likes and appreciates and try to merge it with your personality.

4. Celebrate every moment together and make memories

PC : Google Images

It doesn’t have to be a birthday or anniversary for you to buy a gift or plan a date. Try to grab any moment you can and make it special. I still remember when I was working late one night, my husband surprised me by making Dal Tadka (Mind you this man cannot cook). The most romantic thing he has done for anybody is making a glass of Tang with a pinch of salt just the way I like it.

And this didn’t happen over night…It took efforts! It took giving a lot of thought to How, what, when, where and why! But over the time, we learnt to celebrate every chance we get together in even the smallest way. May it be a simple movie screening on the TV / Mobile with a bowl of popcorn and our blanket all cuddled up or some most awaited movie in the 4D cinema hall we take a lot of snaps… We take selfies and click each other… We often pack a couple of clothes and go away on unplanned trips where we take loads of photos and videos. And then when we come back we watch them together. This is perhaps the best way to connect. We smile at the memories behind the snaps, appreciate each other’s looks and gestures wholeheartedly and even fight about ruining a snap. But its an amazing way to relive the memories.

5. Learn to pay attention – especially to yourself!

PC : Google Images

We often get so carried away trying to please the other person that we forget what our own happiness is. While it is necessary to pay attention to each other’s needs, it is even more crucial to understand that they chose to love you for what you are and not what they can make out of you. You don’t have to be adamant saying “I am the way I am” but rather learn to appreciate your own strengths and work on yourself so that you build a positive mindset. And nothing is more lovable than a stable and positive person.

I remember waiting for my husband to come to my rescue every time I wanted to go shopping or bank or even the grocery shop. And it took me a lot of time and effort to realize that I had never really needed him to do it. At my mom’s I would do all these things single handedly. It was a wake up call! I started doing things myself and let him help where I couldn’t manage.

This also helped in division of labor… I cook he cleans… we are each good at those aspects… I cannot organize clothes once they are off the line – he does that to help me. The point is empower yourself to take care of you and your family at the same time trust them to play their role. Sometime Me Time is really important to help you organize your thoughts, understand and analyze the ones that need to and get rid of the ones that stress you out. This in turn makes you positive and transforms your space into a more comfortable and welcoming one.

These are but few of the many things we have tried and have worked for us.

Lesson Learnt  - No relationship is all sunshine. Sometimes it will get gloomy or rainy…once we learn to share one umbrella we can survive any storm! Happy Living!

PC : Google Images