The Essentials Of Building Togetherness - My Experience Shared

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I married my friend from school and that too at a slightly ripe age of 34. When I tell people that I have known him for 25 years, they go “Awwweee!” and naturally I blush. Now many of you would think that getting married to someone whom you know for so long is perhaps the best. You don’t have to struggle much. Life is easy and there is a lot of understanding between the two of you!

All that is easier said… the fact that you were friends first means you know each other socially well, however on a personal level we still are to explore each other. You know, stuff like he snores and she takes an hour in the bath are things that you come to know only when you live together not otherwise. You have never discussed passions, anger, weaknesses, family feuds, deepest desires or untold secrets. You don’t know what action triggers what emotion. All of it only comes after you decide to live under one roof. 

Which brings me to the phase I went through when I got married – The First Year aka the Year of the Expectations! I found myself taking responsibility of everything… as if I was the only one who could. I cooked, I cleaned, I did dishes and laundry… I shopped and I decorated our home… which he too was a part of and yet I never realized that. I thought this was the only way of keeping him happy (which was a promise I had made) I had forgotten the life I had before I had met him. To add on to it every person we met invited “the new couple” over and we had to oblige. Catering to setting up the new home, deciding about groceries to furniture and back to groceries, numerous festivals, extended family engagements, social invites, his shifts and my duties, life had become a hectic circus. 

In the middle of this organized chaos I often remembered the dialogue from Marley and Me which means that everyone wants you to be married and have kids and all but no one ever tells you how hard it is going to be. No university in the world prepares you for all of this. And that is what most of us feel with every little change we face. During this phase I often felt lost and felt alone… as if my husband is there but I can’t find him… They say, “Coming Together is a beginning, Keeping Together is a process and Being Together is Success” and that’s exactly what felt misplaced. It was there but I couldn’t feel it amidst of so many powerful and overwhelming emotions each day brought for us.
“If there is a question there has to be an answer” I told myself and there I took the first step towards building the relationship I had been dreaming of since like forever. No it was not easy because untill then only I was feeling and living all of those emotions. I did not know if he felt the same way! To my surprise he felt exactly the same way… in his words, “I didn’t know so much would change so fast” And hence after a discussion we came to an agreement to take steps towards trying to Build Togetherness. Here are 5 things that we did!

1. To Communicate Feelings!

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Not just talk or discuss, but to communicate our expectations, our fancies and more difficult of them all to accept our fears. And in turn Listen – Actively, Empathetically and with your Full Body. That means you have to pay attention to the voice and tone and body language as much as the words. Dont let anything interrupt this process. Let them know you want o listen to them. Show that you are genuinely interested.

Learn from their stories and let them understand yours. Sometimes you dont know yet that you have a certain expectation till you speak it out, sometimes you know what to expect but are afraid to confess it. In any case, speaking it out might give your partner a chance to understand your thought process better. Hence communication – a healthy 2 way approach – is utmost important. We do not hesitate to voice our opinions about families, religion, politics, emotions, ideas - both good or bad, each other’s achievements and failures.

2. Have At least One Meal Together

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It may seem old school to say the least, but we ensure that we at least have one meal together. It doesn’t have to be anything fancy… a simple breakfast of Egg on Toast or a bowl of corn Flakes or just some good old Chai Khari will suffice. He works nights and I usually work days… Given this situation Breakfast and Lunch are the obvious choices for us. Whichever meal it is, we often have it together.

It is important to spend that time with each other during the day. Sometimes it is a bit difficult to manage even that, but we at least try. It not only means spending quality time but also means an excellent opportunity to catch up on a lot of stuff that needs to be done or has been done during the day. Its like a Hand Over Take Over. It makes planning for your time easier. It also means an easy give and take of thoughts and ideas which in turn means effective communication.

3. Dress up for each other 

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If you want a relationship that looks and feels like the most amazing thing in the world, you have to treat it like it is second to none. And do the same with yourself as well… When you dress up, even if it’s for a walk down the street or vegetable shopping, you tend to put in a great deal of thought in what will they like. And that in itself will take a normal day and make it special. Besides who would want to spend time with a unkempt run down person.

When you are well groomed you feel happy and in turn your loved one feels special knowing that you put efforts for them. It’s not about layers of make-up and hours of hair care, it’s about being presentable. Its about making your better half feel like you value their likes and dislikes and are willing to imbibe whatever you can. I am not saying that be their puppet… no not at all… but be aware of what your partner likes and appreciates and try to merge it with your personality.

4. Celebrate every moment together and make memories

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It doesn’t have to be a birthday or anniversary for you to buy a gift or plan a date. Try to grab any moment you can and make it special. I still remember when I was working late one night, my husband surprised me by making Dal Tadka (Mind you this man cannot cook). The most romantic thing he has done for anybody is making a glass of Tang with a pinch of salt just the way I like it.

And this didn’t happen over night…It took efforts! It took giving a lot of thought to How, what, when, where and why! But over the time, we learnt to celebrate every chance we get together in even the smallest way. May it be a simple movie screening on the TV / Mobile with a bowl of popcorn and our blanket all cuddled up or some most awaited movie in the 4D cinema hall we take a lot of snaps… We take selfies and click each other… We often pack a couple of clothes and go away on unplanned trips where we take loads of photos and videos. And then when we come back we watch them together. This is perhaps the best way to connect. We smile at the memories behind the snaps, appreciate each other’s looks and gestures wholeheartedly and even fight about ruining a snap. But its an amazing way to relive the memories.

5. Learn to pay attention – especially to yourself!

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We often get so carried away trying to please the other person that we forget what our own happiness is. While it is necessary to pay attention to each other’s needs, it is even more crucial to understand that they chose to love you for what you are and not what they can make out of you. You don’t have to be adamant saying “I am the way I am” but rather learn to appreciate your own strengths and work on yourself so that you build a positive mindset. And nothing is more lovable than a stable and positive person.

I remember waiting for my husband to come to my rescue every time I wanted to go shopping or bank or even the grocery shop. And it took me a lot of time and effort to realize that I had never really needed him to do it. At my mom’s I would do all these things single handedly. It was a wake up call! I started doing things myself and let him help where I couldn’t manage.

This also helped in division of labor… I cook he cleans… we are each good at those aspects… I cannot organize clothes once they are off the line – he does that to help me. The point is empower yourself to take care of you and your family at the same time trust them to play their role. Sometime Me Time is really important to help you organize your thoughts, understand and analyze the ones that need to and get rid of the ones that stress you out. This in turn makes you positive and transforms your space into a more comfortable and welcoming one.

These are but few of the many things we have tried and have worked for us.

Lesson Learnt  - No relationship is all sunshine. Sometimes it will get gloomy or rainy…once we learn to share one umbrella we can survive any storm! Happy Living!

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