The burning question - What is (your) religion?

In the light of Political Bills and confusions emerging from discussion about on Religion Based Politics, (Did I confuse you enough? ) This is what  I thought today! 

Before anyone cringes or raises their eyebrows, I have to give a disclaimer and say that whatever I have said is my opinion and in no way is intended to hurt anyone or their feelings. Each one has all the right to follow their own belief system.

I was born to a Hindu family and Married a (an Indian Muslim - better to mention than be questioned ;) ) Muslim. So as individuals we follow our own faith and pray to One Almighty Force that operates the universe. But many a times, we find ourselves discussing how good or unfair each others' religion is. We sometimes try to explain to each other certain concepts that we have been raised with. I remember my husband once, while he was still my boyfriend, say to me that one of the major reasons why I cant marry you is because I want my children to be raised with the same religious values as I was raised. He was right! I too wanted my children to believe in the traditions I was fed. Before we got married a burning question being asked by others and ourselves was what religion would our children follow. The simplest reply we could come up with is that they are his children and will follow his religion and also learn about mine. We Indians feel it's obvious that the prodigy follow the patriarchal ways. 

Today, I am a mother to a sweet almost 7 months old daughter and she is half n half when it comes to religion. I often think what would be the most appropriate age at which I start confusing her about Religion.

Though none of us (my Husband and I) are too religious and choose to follow our own faiths (as and when possible) I wish for her to learn about both our faiths so that she understands where her parents come from. Why does her father offer a Namaz and why her mother folds her hands in prayer should not confuse her.  More over I wish for her to fit in both the cultures, which are radically different. I want her to know that she has the choice, rather an "informed choice", to follow whatever she feels like.

Sometimes, I find myself toying with the idea of raising her as "No religion" citizen or letting her decide when she feels like or burdening her with every religious thing I know or her dad knows. Sometimes I just shun the idea and say, "Who cares? As long as she is a good human being!"

But the fact is, everyone cares! Families you are related to, friends you gather with, social acquaintances you have just met or even the nobodys around you care about your religion. The society we live in still has not matured enough to let religion be a personal choice rather than a social identity or worse, a political agenda. The question 'Who are you?' is often answered on the basis of your attire (Skirts and Tuxedos for Christians, Burkha and Pathani for Muslims and Saree and Kurtas for Hindus...) , your language, (English for Christians, Urdu for Muslims Hindi for Hindus and so on) your food (Pork for Christians, Beef and Mutton for Muslims and Vegetables for Hindus) or even the colors you choose (Black and white for Christians, Green for Muslims and Orange for Hindus to name a few). Your name is not enough on an identity and none of the government documents is unbiased. What? Have you come across any form that does not have the religion or caste column. No matter how qualified or wealthy you are, your religion determined your worth.

Many parents like me, especially the inter-caste or inter-religion category, live with a constant fear of what the children would get based on their religion or caste. Many parents find it hard to explain even to themselves as to why is this insecurity a constant companion in today's day and age. Why can't humanity be our identity? Why can't we raise our children as 'Global Citizen' rather than restricting them to 1 religion? 

So many questions! And so many unexplored aspects of modern day parenting challenges! I guess this is so because we assume that the children will follow the fathers religion no questions asked and the mother is expected to give in and be more supportive. This may be true prima facie... but deep down it is also because we are scared of discussing these things. We are scared of offending the religious beliefs. Why should discussing religion openly be offensive? Well it is! It hurts sentiments.... 

Fun Fact : An atheist who does not believe in God has sentiments too. Tomorrow if someone gets offended because of your belief system, can they propagate your faith as wrong or file a complaint saying his belief system is being throttled? Why not? He has his own ideas about religion - He denies its existence and anything otherwise will offend him, wont it? I have turned agnostic over the past few years and that has pegged my as atheist by many "knowledgeable" people. But I am not atheist. I believe in God but choose to understand and question religion before I believe in it. That is defined as arrogance or ignorance... so be it!

But here is the thing...

I happened to come across a Mohd. XYZ whose favourite book was Ramcharitmanas. It took me 2 minutes and one attempt at asking him to repeat himself to grasp the name of the book.

I also know of a Pandit ABC who is a devout Hindu and teaches The Quran in a world famous University. He has logical followers. (Logical being the key word here)

I read about a Muslim girl being served a notice of sorts because she dressed up as Lord Krishna and sang a bhajan. she did not give in and her music still remains pristine!

I know of Father OPQ who knows The Geeta with the context and meaning as well as he knows the Bible. Not only does he know but he also discusses similarities and differences in it.

Did their choice of the literature he reads or the subject he teaches or music that inspires her change their belief system? In these cases no! And even if it did for many out there who choose to convert themselves for any reason, how does it matter if it was a self made informed decision? They must have found something that made their belief system change.

I have heard and find it logical that a belief system is made of 2 essential components - Acquired Knowledge and Experience gained. An Individual is fed with acquired knowledge in the form of stories and prayers and rituals and traditions while one grows up. That forms the base of a belief system that build stronger with experience gained by that person growing up. When we pray, something good happens. Something positive happens when a particular ritual is performed. Experience also comes from exploring the religion further through books or scriptures or sermons. This forms a belief that resonates the religion our near and dear ones follow. Sometimes one may venture into unexplored, like the ways and adopt it as his own. Some may stick to it unconditionally! each one to his own!

Why does it then surprise the likes of me (sarcastically) to know that someone is trying to explore and understand some other belief system. Why does it shock me to hear a Muslim perform aarti and a Hindu praise Christ? Why does learning another belief system be labelled as conversion of religion or worse, corruption of religion? Why is something different always wrong?

Isn't it just simple attempt to understand what's different about a belief system. I am being careful not to call it religion for religion to me is a doctrine followed by like minded people in order to live in mutually agreed way to ensure peace and harmony. For me religion should be learnt to be understood not just be followed blindly. When in doubt question... Ask the priests or preachers to point you to the source rather than believing their version of religion. Read and understand the reason behind it. You will be surprised at the wisdom our ancestors had - every tradition has a scientific approach. And science which was not proven back then was what we termed as divine. Universe made it so simple... We just complicated it!

For all you parents or would be parents or thinkers. try and teach the next generation about all religions as much as possible. Let them feel secured about their identity outside of religious beliefs.  Empower them with knowledge and let them gain experience... they have global resources like internet - channelize their mind to explore and understand. watch over them as they learn to accept others who are not like them. Teach them that being different doesn't mean being wrong. Teach them Moral values like respect, love, truth, dignity, etiquette and manners rather than so called religious values. Our parents, no matter what religion, taught us not to lie or steal or hurt. Some call it Sunnat, some call it Punya while others call it Virtue. Values that are underlying are the same. Have open communication among  your family members to determine your family values. Talking to your kids about anything makes them feel confident and secured about expressing themselves in the right way. Help them understand the traditions and rituals and prayers before they commit to it. Teach your children to think, there is no need to tell them what to think!

Slowly but surely, we will develop a generation which would, maybe, find the answer to the question What is (your) religion?

Think about it!

I must have done something right!

Sometimes in life we learn many lessons only by accident. Most of the times we don't really know that we have till you look back... As the great innovator Steve Jobs quoted, “ You can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something – your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever."

Here is my attempt to word my feelings about my journey so far...

I Must Have Done Something Right... 

I was but a teen when I decided to become a rebel,

Breaking rules and making mistakes,

Wandering off in wilderness of my own,

Not wanting walls or fences or gates.

          I decided not to become what others saw me as,

          A doctor or an engineer or a lawyer or an MBA,

          Lesser walked was the path I chose,

          But it was my choice, my calling, my say!

People questioned and doubted my choices,

They shunned me thinking I was good for nothing,

I confused them by not bothering about them,

I was happy even though I didn't have everything.

          They told me to get married and have a child or two, 

          I didn't fit their idea of perfection,

          I still stood my ground steady and tall

          Happily single, boss of my own life, slave of my own passion.

They never understood what walking alone meant, 

For they were running with rats in a race,

I did cry my eyes out when alone,

But through the day I had a brave face.

          Today I look back and see the path I walked,

          Struggled and thorny yet happy and dignified,

          I bear the scars of battles fought and won,

          And hence I can sleep a dreamless night.

Today I hold a life full of people

Who got filtered along the way,

For I can trust them blindly like my own self,

For they shall love me in December like they do in May.

          I hold in my arms a smiling life

          And rest my head on loving shoulder of my man strong,

          I look at pride in my parents' eyes

          And I know I must've done some right amongst so much wrong.

PS : Its been months since I have posted something... Hope you like it!

My Guiding Light - A tribute to My Teachers

A teacher is, perhaps, one of the most important person in a child's life. Parents give us a life and teachers teach us how to live. Parents give us the strength we need and a teacher empowers us. Teachers build our character and more often than not they never give up on us. This is a little something dedicated to my Teachers!

My Guiding Light

I opened my eyes to a whole new world,

Ready to take on everything I could,

Little did I realize that amidst the hundreds of others,

Scared and alone I stood...

Dad wasn't there to hold my hand,

Mum wasn't there to hug me warm,

Strangers around and no one known

But one face pretty and calm...

Encouraged me to take a courageous step,

She smiled the most assuring of the smiles,

She beaconed me and eased my shivers,

I knew that she would walk with me for miles...

She supported me when I faltered my step,

She held me when I sweat with fear,

She knew my deepest feelings and thoughts,

She gave me a voice that all would hear...

She taught me how to think and feel,

She gave my random thoughts a way,

She leaned down and picked me up,

She worded what I had to say...

Mom and dad are equals of the Lord,

But she is my Guiding light,

My teacher, my mentor, she's nearly my mom,

Her memories still blur my sight!

We Are Expecting!

Disclaimer :

This a not a Pregnancy announcement. It is a compilation of thoughts – some random, some experienced – now spoken out!

“A woman becomes a mother as soon as she sees the pink line on the home pregnancy test. A man becomes a father once he holds the baby” The Man Of The House said as I urged him umpteenth time to fall in line with my baby talks a trimester after we discovered that we were expecting. Till then I was trying my best to get him as invested in the process as I was without realizing that he already was a part of it. In his own way he was! It was a tongue between my teeth moment and with that started yet another of my researches on google and youtube to understand a father’s role during pregnancy. Honestly, the data that I came across is shockingly inadequate. Does nobody bother about what a father goes through?

There is so much to motherhood journey – the changes you go through, weekly updates, exercises, diet, pre-natal medication, state of mind, baby showers and every single person giving you advise about what to do and what not to do. And while you bask in the glory of hormones and pregnancy glow and measuring your baby bump, what exactly is the father up to? What is he experiencing? Let’s try to wear his shoes for the time being… Now again, this is just a role reversal exercise I tried and just like all women are not the same, all men too are different. These theories may or may not apply to all couples.

While it’s a blissful and happy time for the couple as parents-to-be, it is also the time when a hell lot of stuff changes. A more visible change occurs in the-would-be-mom… She gets sick so very often, she has a more conscious life style change, gets into the nesting instinct very often, will measure each and every step she takes and grows as the baby grows and goes on an emotional trip and so on… everyone around, known people and strangers, focus on her health and comfort. She becomes a responsible mother at the drop of the hat.

And while she is at it, the father to be, although unintentionally tends to take a back seat. While most of your near and dear ones are taking care of The Mom, The Dad is getting lectured about how his life is going to change and how he needs to save and make provisions for future and how it’s important to be more responsible and how he needs to be there for the mother and the baby. Even though he realizes his responsibility by himself, he gets told about the sleepless nights and diaper changes and the costs involved in raising the child and very often how he will no longer be able to have “we time” with his partner. Is it not natural for The Dad to also start freaking out under all this pressure?

And to top it all, his beautiful, smart and sexy wife suddenly is not available to him and more. She is like this possessed alien who refuses to be ‘just his wife’. Women don’t do it on purpose… no! They start becoming so invested in motherhood that they simply forget to be a wife. They do realize that their husband’s behavior has changed and often complain about how insensitive he is but they fail to understand that he needs her. It is an emotional roller coaster for him as well. He is the one who is deemed to be a responsible provider and having an extra mouth to feed can mean that he has to work harder to ensure his duty is fulfilled. He is expected not to fail. He is expected to earn enough to provide basic, special, medical and financial support – that too for the entire life. The women too are responsible for sharing the burden these days and most of us do too, but it’s his primary role. As a mother you are more responsible to manage the baby and be there for it and ensure a good upbringing and stuff at home. He too needs support but asking for help during this phase invites raised eyebrows even from his partner at times. He feels as anxious and confused as the Mom does, but he is the man and is not expected to show emotions. Many will argue that times have changed and that men too can express… yes they can, but how often do they really express? The only person to whom they can voice their weak moments is busy being a mom already. There is social, psychological and emotional pressure on him as well. And soon he finds himself lost in the Fatherhood!

As a couple, you have to remind yourselves that the baby is a new chapter in your life. It is definitely a life altering milestone, but the journey began when the two of you came together… The Two Of You! It is very important to realize that “The Two Of You” are a team. You have dreamt about this day together, you have counted days together and you have waited anxiously for the Pink Line together! You have to remind yourself that your partner has his or her own way of dealing with every emotion he or she feels throughout the journey of parenthood and that it is widely different from anything they have experienced or done before. Sometimes, you shouldn’t even try to understand their emotions. Just acknowledge the fact that they think and act differently.

While the mom experiences the motherhood in a more emotional way and real time, the dad experiences it through research and observation. The way a mother’s instincts work and the way a father’s logic works are parallels. But it doesn’t mean that you cannot adjust your pace accordingly. If he seems slower on the uptake, wait for him to come around. If she seems to be rushing into things, help her balance her act. The journey will become easier and simpler for both.

For example, In my case, I really wanted my husband to connect to the baby by talking to the bump even before it was seen. And he had the most difficult time trying to do it. It took me months to realize that it was natural. I was feeling the baby grow and move and exist much before he could. So it was easier for me to talk to the baby or sing to it. (as recommended by many youtube channels)

But for him, it was unscientific. He just couldn’t do it! We had intense discussions that involved making him understand, trying to send him links to articles and videos that professed this bonding and so on… but his logical mind just did not budge. So a golden handshake was made when we decided that he would recite a prayer or sing one particular song to the baby. That was a start. And one fine day, he felt the slightest movement while watching TV and instantly the scene changed. I suddenly found a father looking at me. The realization that his baby really existed and that I needed him to be there came into foreplay. That is how nature works, I guess.  

Another aspect that you have to understand is that the people around you are packed with advises and are “how to” experts. They will have the wildest theories based on experiences, beliefs, books, anecdotes, scriptures and myths. You will have an aunt telling you that you should have chicken and a grand-mom telling you that you should avoid it. You will have people guessing if it’s a boy of a girl and checking symptoms… even horoscopes. Experience sharing and comparing one pregnancy to another, will get out of hand. While it’s wise to hear everything and listen to none, you cannot discount the fact that they mean the best. More often than not you will feel obliged to please everyone. Remember the fact that YOU CAN’T!

You have to learn to think for yourself and your baby first! You will have people with a thousand expectations, but you have to learn to accept and reject them wisely. No, don’t drag a war… but reason with them. Your Partner is your best support system here. The most popular example is that of the In Laws – every set wants the pregnancy to go as per their expectations. And more often than not become insensitive to the fact the Father’s priority is now the peace and health of his wife and the baby. They forget that no matter how many monsoons they have experienced, every pregnancy is different and that the mother will always know the best for herself and the baby. These facts are often discounted. In this case, the mother expects her husband to make the family realize that there are certain things that she won’t be able to do. More often than not he has his own way of dealing with such demands. But what he needs to do is trust her when she says she can’t. What she needs to do is let him take his time to deal with these things.

It becomes important to have an open mind while having an honest conversation about these things. This is the time when you need to trust each other more than ever. Both of you are distracted by a lot of things – planning for future, appointments and follow ups, pre natal classes and all the preparations… it is natural to forget to stop and have a connect with each other as a couple. You need to understand that the larger she gets, the harder it is for her to do stuff. So before you plan something, it’s wise to discuss the pros and cons of any plan. As a father, he needs to learn to stand by her when their decisions are questioned. And as his wife, she needs to give him a reason to do so. She needs to understand that he needs to be explained logically why something is not possible for her. He is not a mind reader. This is the time when you yourself cannot reason with your own moods and thoughts, how can he? She needs to give him time to understand the changes she is going through for no medical journal or experience sharing articles are going to teach him that.

As a couple you need to understand the need to Slow Down. As an expecting mother, your nesting instincts come into play much before your partner’s protective ones do. While you are ready with your birthing plan, shopping list, pregnancy and post partum essentials and even a list of names, The Dad is still struggling with how to become a father to an invisible entity. He has his own inhibitions. And even though you don’t understand them, they are as real as the bond you feel for the baby. He too is connected, but not in the same way as you are. So it becomes even more important to remember that the both of you need to be on the same page. Discuss Finances and plan accordingly. That will help you have a better picture. He will be more comfortable knowing that you understand his side of the story as well. Explain to him the necessity of a certain decision you want to take. That will help you understand the credibility of the decision and him feel more involved. While he is stressing about what next, help him slow down as well. Help him deal with the new changes… tell him why is it that your sleeping patters have changed… help him understand why do you expect him to get up every time the door bell rings or why suddenly you are ordering food delivery and not cooking. He is doing things that he has never bothered about before – picking up cups and laying the table, taking out garbage, feeding the dog and so much more. Appreciate the fact that he is ready to be your errand boy and remember that he is so much more than that. Sometimes, he may not do stuff the way you want him to… you will want to throw things at him, including mean swear words or dagger looks or jabs… but stop yourself. Discount his mistakes. He is new to running errands. Help him learn the new patterns and the paradigm shift in routine. Understand that this change is not easy for him. It takes time for him to get there, and he deserves to be appreciated for every step he takes.

Finally, many couples, as soon as they embark on the Parenthood journey, reduce their lives to being only parents. True that life does change! Your universe tends to revolve around the baby. Every decision you take becomes ‘for the baby’. Every plan you make is centered on the baby’s well being. And this may create a situation where you forget what life was before. You may start missing the attention that you got from your partner. The intimacy in your relationship seems to be fading away. You start getting cranky because suddenly you don’t matter to your partner. Sometimes, you may want to run away or go back in time when it was just the two of you. You may also feel inadequate because you no longer have the same energy as before or you don’t indulge in the things that you were doing before. You slowly learn to suppress the negative thoughts revolving around these emotions but you cannot deny that these feelings exist. And that’s where you need to actually go back in time… Take time out for each other. Watch a movie or plan a dinner or just cuddle up under a blanket. Undertake projects that don’t involve the baby planning or shopping. Talk about stuff that used to excite you – not what color to paint the nursery in. Take walks or go grocery shopping together… grab an ice cream like you used to… share a tub of popcorn while watching Game Of Thrones. Plan surprise gifts or outings for each other. Even a hug or a pat on the back or fingers in the hair work their magic. Small gestures will help you deal with the bigger challenges together. It will be easier for you to transition from a couple to Parents-to-be with ease and finesse – more importantly Together!

That is when you will be able to say, “We Are Expecting!”

Lessons Learnt - Dear Zindagi!

I have to give you a brief background about my love for the silver screen… People hate going to the movies with me for I am a living embarrassment for the snoots who pay and not have fun while watching a movie. I have witnesses to tell you that I have watched Lagaan like a live match at the edge of my seat. I have tortured my friends with every single Dan Brown release saying how the book was different than the movie. It is not easy for me to digest that the whole Dumbledore Story was not portrayed in the Deathly Hallows as it should have been. I love Mogambo as much as Grindlewald and want to date Shrek. 

For me The Cinema hall is a wonderland and I am like a small kid lost in Narnia. I love movies… I am in love with the whole experience of watching larger than life images coming alive. I get involved with each of the character, no matter how well or ill written. I pour myself into every situation living the emotions while watching them being played on the screen.

And yet, I am not a Shah Rukh Khan Fan! Yes I said it! I like him as an actor and I agree that he has done some phenomenal work as an actor and he deserves the success… but I do not fall head over heels watching him make an entry neither do I cry when he dies! Having said that this one movie is really close to my heart… it’s called Dear Zindagi!

Many might raise their eyebrows because it is not a mainstream romantic or action movie that we are used to seeing SRK in. Many will cringe because it is kind of a movie that points us to lesser known issue of depression and emotional turmoil. Most of us go through some level of emotional confusion and at times aggression through life… At some time or the other we feel like we are not doing well – personally, relationship wise, professionally or socially… we just don’t fit in… We try to, in every way possible, but we feel like we just don’t belong. And the biggest irony is that while we go through the turmoil called stress, we don’t realize that all these feeling really exist. I mean they are as real as the air we breathe. We cannot see them, but we can feel them every moment of our life. At times, we try to seek help from friends or family and they more often than not tell you that it’s all in your head and everything will be fine. They are not entirely wrong!

It is there in your head… hidden beneath the many folds of forgotten memories, unwanted experiences, your expectations from others and from yourself, others image of you and so many other layers of emotions that get dumped into your mind every waking hour… sometimes even while you sleep. And if you find the courage to even seek professional help, you are deemed stupid for over reacting. You are told that psychiatric problems don’t exist… paid counselling is as good as throwing away your money. It’s a taboo, because every person who goes to a psychiatrist is mad! Even medical professionals see Psychiatric Help as the last resolve. You have to get to the point of being suicidal if you want to be referred, and even after that most will say that you are dealing with the situation the wrong way. That’s the struggle, isn’t it? If I knew how to deal with the situation, wouldn’t I do it already? Why would I need to seek help? Whether its friends, family or professionals, one only seeks help when it is beyond one’s ability to handle it.

And this movie is all about this struggle. It tells us that these beliefs are rather myths. The fact is that mental illness is a harsh reality that many amongst us deal with. And for the lack of proper understanding we teach ourselves to ignore it. We do not talk about it for the fear of being disapproved. Whereas, it is just like having a cardiac or renal complain. This movie touches a lot of finer points that are related to stress, disappointment, confusion, anxiety, fear, the thought process behind making decisions, living with the choices we make and much more in a very subtle and easy way. Here is what I took away from it…

As we grow up, we become selective about our near and dear ones :

As a child I had many friends and my best friend was the girl I shared the school bench with for 3 years. She was like the other half of my soul and I bet she doesn’t even remember me now. Then the girls I shared my tiffin with were my best buddies and now we just remember each other on Birthdays – If reminded by FB. It is not their fault! I lost touch with them as life took me places. I did not bother to check on them after school, college or change of jobs. Except a formal Hi on the digital media, we hardly share a conversation and at the rare occasions that we do, we end up trying to show how fine I we are with our own lives. The warmth, the fun, the heart to heart talks are all lost over the drag call life. I can literally count the number of people who have stuck with me and that’s only because they really mean something to me. They are the ones who have known me, my whims and fancies, my weaknesses and arrogance and still love me. They are the ones I chose because I could see that they were ready to put in the efforts to save what we had.

When you face a choice, choosing the easier way isn’t discreditable :

Let’s say you have a kidney stone. It’s a normal medical issue and many face it. Now there are two options, take a few tablets over a few weeks or months and hope they help or go through a surgery and get them broken instantly. What is the easier way out? I guess, the medicines… because it means that you don’t have to sacrifice a day or two to the procedure, pre procedure tests and stuff can be avoided and so could any other complications post the surgery. Besides, if the medicines work, you won’t end up spending a fortune! You would like to give it a try if given a choice, won’t you?

Then why don’t you do exactly that when it comes to emotional choices. Why do you put yourself under the scalpel all the time? Why don’t you even consider that there might be an easier way out? We think and over think and rethink about the problems or choices we face so much that we make them bigger than they actually are. And then they overshadow the simple and easy solutions. If you have financial challenges, you will beat every bush possible to make big savings and investments to secure your future. That is a good way. But we often over think about it and let it affect our peace. We can look at smaller investments too, can’t we? Similarly, when you have emotional challenges, simpler fixes are possible without taxing your happiness.

It’s okay to not be a part of the system that burdens you with their judgements :

When I decided to work in a call center (After being a trained Chef) most people thought I was making a wrong decision. Most said - what do you do there?... The call center culture is bad…who will marry someone who works nights… you are a girl working odd hours… what about family life… The west influences you in a bad way. What most of them were scared of is the unknown. We, at call centers, have safe transport, celebrate our festivals as communities, learn about other cultures, work the same 9 hours with decent breaks and growth based on performance, get married and have kids too. Yes we learn that it’s okay to have live ins, be gay, live away from parents or have a modern approach and some free minded people adapt to that lifestyle as well. But that experience used to pull me down so much that I became more of a rebel. I was earning for myself and had a decent social circle of like minded people. So they became closer and others who judged started fading away from my life. They judged me for my lifestyle and I judged them for judging me.

Today when I look back I realize that I lost my peace of mind to people who did not know what I did sitting at my desk with head phones on all night. They did not know that almost every year I was moving up the ladder because my managers recognized my effort, much like any white collared corporate slave does between 9 to 5. My battle was not against the people who judged my outings or jeans or annual day dances, it was against myself! They just saw me doing different stuff and did not understand why. And I was too judgmental to explain to them the reality as I experienced it. It took me a better part of my life to realize that I don’t need to think about the sentence that the society makes for me. Whether I chose to ride the donkey, carry it or walk alongside it, people will talk. They will always judge you. And let them… It should not pull you down!

You will have to sit on many chairs before you chose the right one :

This is one of the most crucial things I learnt. A few years back I met a school friend after almost a decade. She has done well for her… has worked on a bank for years together, has a loving husband and a cute little daughter. She asked me, “You change so many jobs and live like a wild life… don’t you have to answer anyone?” I just smiled… because by that time I was tired of answering people… In fact, I was tired of making up answers that they wanted to hear… The truth was, I hadn’t found my calling! I couldn’t see myself growing in the job I was doing. I couldn’t hold on to the conventional ways of gaining the bosses approval. I wanted to break free!

I have skipped many jobs – Direct selling, teaching, calling, sales, technical support, hotel industry, catering, training and so on… before I got married I have had a couple of break ups too. Am I ashamed of any of my choices? Hell No!

I had to try everything I thought I am good at before deciding what I really wanted from life. I had to experience the wreak of relationships before I could actually appreciate the beauty on the one I have right now. I had to be rejected by scum, before I realized what being valued by an equal feels like. And today, after every leap I took, whether I feel or stood up tall, I learnt a lot of stuff. Today, I can say to the friend I mentioned, “You have what you call a perfect life and I have what I wanted.”

Learn to forgive – Others as well as yourself :

How often do we play the blame game!

“I turned out to be a failure because you pushed me to be an engineer when I wanted to be an artist.”

“I lost the deal because of the inadequate research from my team…”

“I wasted so much time when I could have been working on myself.”

So often do we blame others and ourselves for the mistakes that may or may not be important. Is it not easy to let go of those negative experiences? Is it not easy to rectify the damage or at least control it? Is it not easier to forgive and move on? I mean it takes a lot of effort to get negative experiences out of your mind and for you to be normal in spite of the bitterness… but it takes much more effort to carry the burden further. It takes a lot more nerve to keep telling yourself that you cannot let go of the negativity. I mean just burn you worries and spread the ashes. Why would you want to carry the burden when you can use the same energy to do something better with life?

Maybe your parents couldn’t be with you while growing up or your sibling was really mean to you or your girlfriend dumped you for the ugly old guy with the bigger car or your boss favors the girl in the short skirt over you... does that really have enough power to take away your peace of mind till you walk towards your grave? Maybe you messed up your marriage or hurt someone or added more salt to the food or forgot to feed the fish and they died… would that mean that it is the end of the world? All you have to do is find a way out, forgive the situation and move on with a positive lesson.

It’s okay to feel bad… It’s okay to express your feelings… as long as you overcome them :

What happens when you obstruct running water? It stagnates… accumulates residue… evaporates and what’s left is filth and then it will soon start stinking. The same happens with food and clothes and furniture… if keeping stuff locked up, stored and unused can spoil it, why is our mind an exception? Why are our emotions spoilage proof? Wouldn’t your grief start to grow monsters like anxiety and fear if you don’t show it a way out? Won’t the pent up anger turn you into an abusive animal if you don’t channelize it the right way? Won’t your happiness turn into an eye sore for the less fortunate if you don’t express it just enough? Every emotion or even thought you experience is fluid and needs a proper way to flow. If you obstruct it you are only doing yourself harm. it may seem safe in the short span, but in the long run, you are risking your personality to stink of stagnated emotions. They will turn muddy and bitter.

We all feel sad or hurt or angry or anxious or overwhelmed… that’s a sign that you are alive. All you need to remind yourself is that it is okay to let yourself feel everything. It is okay to allow yourself to express what you feel… as long as you live the feeling and learn to get over it, it is okay? As long as it doesn’t harm you or anyone close to you, it is okay?

This is not really an easy task… It takes a lion’s heart to even recognize these feelings. We are trained to constraint. We are taught not to express rather than harness our mind… and it will be a really taxing experience to train your mind otherwise. Here is where we need help… more on it a little later. But you have to start telling yourself that it is okay to own those fickle feelings you have and learn to express them.

Seeking help is not an embarrassment :

A few years back when I was still struggling to find my calling, I was constantly blaming myself for being a failure. I found reasons not to be happy in any situation. I had become suspicious of my decisions and was unable to get my thoughts organized, very often I found myself lost and could hardly concentrate on anything… I lost sleep over other people’s opinion about me and forgot what it was like to be myself. To make matters worse, I didn’t know that this was happening to me. I tried speaking to my near and dear ones, but all I got was  - It’s a phase or There is nothing wrong with you or What stress? There is nothing called stress or My issues are bigger than yours… I wanted to seek professional help because I could really get the right answers from my immediate sources, but that too was discounted saying that’s just waste of money and time. You will be paying for the same stuff that we are saying. And medication was something I didn’t want to get into at the time…

But then I came across an astrologer (Thanks to a friend who referred me to her) and for some reason it was okay to visit her rather than a psychiatric expert! (Ironical Sigh) She did not really give me any solution to the situation… no gems or prayers or rituals, for that matter she hardly spoke in terms of astrology… she just heard me out and gave me simple pros and cons of every decision that I was afraid of taking. And that changed things… soon after that I did seek help from a Certified Psychologist, you know the therapist who help you speak… I did have a few sessions and learnt some tools to help me organize my thoughts and analyze them. I was not afraid of asking questions and was open to hearing the answers that I somehow denied before. I was comfortable with my fears and my confusions and could empty my mind knowing that my thoughts are still safe… what a relief it was!

There is no shame in seeking help… wouldn’t you seek help if you broke a bone or had a head ache or a cavity in your tooth? Then why can’t we seek help to sort our mental health and get rid of the infections?

All in all, Team Dear Zindagi, voiced many finer things that happen and affect us. They helped many realize that giving yourself a second chance isn’t a bad thing. Don’t live a life that is based on other’s expectations of you, which will burden you. Live a life where you allow yourself to appreciate the finer things in life and that will empower you.

  

Harry Potter and My Favorite Quotes - Lessons Learnt from Harry Potter Series!

“A book on a dusty shelf is like a friend you have not spoken to in ages.” I had read long time back. I am not an avid reader, per say. I don’t read like I breathe but I do read never the less. I am more of a re reader… I read same thing over and over again. After some time post finishing a book I find myself yearning to read it once more (Just for old time sake, I tell myself). And owning up to this tradition of mine, I have read and reread and reread and reread yet again the famous series called “Harry Potter”. Not just the books but the movies and the PDFs and the Audio Books and almost every video I could find on YouTube… I have witnessed the Harry Potter Universe virtually. And every time I live it. I know Hogwarts passages and love Hagrid and cry when Dobby dies and feel extremely sad for Snape… Always. It feels so real even though it all happens in my head. But if it’s happening in my head why should it mean it doesn’t exist, right? 

Every time I read or watch it, I find myself learning a lot. Learning about friendship, love, hate, loss, dealing with death and so much more… I have learnt from The Brave Potters and Loving Snape and Naughty Black and even Lestranges… You can bet that they are fiercely Loyal to the Dark Lord!

Moving on, today I am going to enlist some of the quotes that have stayed with me. The ones that motivate me when need be and that bring a smile to my face many a times. So here we go…

Happiness can be found, even in the darkest of times, if one only remembers to turn on the light.

We all face times when life will bring us down. Every day is not sunny and bright and everything nice. Some nights may be darker and longer. When such days come, it’s important to remember to look for the candles. What I mean is, when you feel low and lost, all you need to do is look for the positive moments. Search your memory closet for the ones that make you happy or give you strength. Look at the trusted ones around you to show you a way. Trust your dreams and aspirations to enlighten your path to your future. Light as many lights as possible. Even one candle can wade off darkness and make you see the world around you.

We have all got both light and dark inside us. What matters is the part we choose to act on. That’s who we really are.

No one is born good or bad. We are born with a clean slate and as we grow we scribble on it our experiences, learning and dreams. We build a belief system that’s based on our knowledge and experiences. These experiences are what help us take decisions. This is what forms a basis on every choice we make. And in turn the choices and their outcome make us who we are. It is a cycle! We gather both good and bad as we go. We learn good virtues as well as bad influences… and somehow we have enough space for all of it in our minds and hearts. It is our judgement call and wisdom that helps us to make the choices that need to be made. It is we who chose which part – Good or bad – that we chose to act on. It’s like they show in cartoons… a particular character had a white angel with halo as well as a red horned devil telling them what to do… it’s exactly the same! We have two voices that always keep us company, it’s our belief system that governs which we select to heed.

It takes a great deal of bravery to stand up to your enemies, but just as much to stand up to our friends.

I have not taken this literally because having enemies is not really something I fancy. I do dislike quite a few people, but they are not worthy to be my enemies. Having said that, it does take a great deal of nerve to stand up for yourself. It’s not easy to voice your opinion at all times, thanks to the courtesy lessons we all get. Imagine a relative telling you how a photo you shared on Instagram is inappropriate… You want to yell at them saying “My business is my business, none of your business” (Dialogues do come in handy at times, don’t they?) Do you do that? If you do, you become the black sheep of the flock. It does take a great deal of nerve to really say things to others. And God forbid, if you have to stand up to a friend, it will be the most energy you will have to spend. Because there is a fear of losing them, isn’t it? Your friends more often than not are the ones who know you the best and hence they also understand what’s good for you. Many times they run around with that idea that they know you better than them and you find yourself constantly justifying. You want to tell them off because you too are wise enough to understand what is good and what is not. You want to remind them that you understand and you know. But somehow you just say “ahaa” and move on. Similarly, even when you know that your friends maybe wrong in their words or actions you don’t really take a stand unless it affects you. It takes a lot of gut to crunch out the truth to the ones you love. You don’t want to hurt them or you don’t want to lose them or why should you bother to correct anyone or keeping quiet is easier than confrontation… all are signs of not wanting to stand up for their own good. Your love and sensibility become bigger than your bravery, don’t they?

I am what I am, an’ I’m not ashamed. Never be ashamed, my ol’ dad used ter say. There’s some who’ll hold it against you, but they’re not worth botherin’ with

This one is not really a famous quote, but it is so relevant to everyone who always tried to fit into the Social Idea of Perfection… You have to be good and well qualified, get a decent job, get married, have a couple of children, buy a house, buy a car, live a healthy life, retire with savings and live in a country home waiting to die a peaceful death… a picture perfect life, isn’t it? And if you stray that path, God alone can save you… maybe not… even God cannot save you if you dare to be different. If you don’t get a conventional job or family trade and decide to do something different with your life, you are an outcast. If you are overweight, no matter how much you have tried to shed off the curves, you are good for nothing. If you don’t get married at the “right age”, you are deemed to have some issues. No one thinks what your thoughts behind your choices are. And if they don’t understand, how is it your fault. Just because your mind is conditioned to think different, why should it make you wrong? Why should you be ashamed for your personality or attitude? Almost everyone you know will question your decisions and maybe abandon you because you don’t walk the path that they do, but remind yourself that it’s their loss. You have all the right to be yourself, pursue your own thoughts and do your own stuff your way. No need explaining anything to anyone. The ones who ask for justification, have made their mind against you and those who didn’t don’t bother what you do. Few may also trust you for who you are.

Words are, in my not-so-humble opinion, our most inexhaustible source of magic - capable of both inflicting injury and remedying it.

They say, “A tongue has no bones, but can break a heart.” Words have immense power. What you say and how you say it can make or break stuff for you. Man has been gifted with language that he uses liberally. And it is also a gift that has helped educated to be civilized and vice a versa. In wrong hands, it’s a weapon that can provoke, hurt or even leave a scar for life. You need to taste your words before you spit them out… you need to think what the implications of the things you say would be. Words you use have the power to build a reputation for you and also the prowess to break the impression you have striven to make. They are powerful enough to help build bridges across distanced hearts and also have the strength to drill a trench between two peas in a pod. Hence, words need to be dealt carefully with. They need to be used resourcefully to bring good to the world. They should be chosen with a hawk’s eye to ensure that they don’t slash anyone across… they should be used for positive imprint!

These are but a few of my go to quotes amongst many others… let me know the ones that appeal to you!

Creating Abhimanyu!

I was brought up with a constant dosage of Ramayana and Mahabharata stories. May it be my maternal grandmother or my paternal grandmother, they fed me all their learnings from the scriptures in the form of epic stories, mythical characters and sometimes anecdotes. And one such tale strikes to me more than others - The Tale of Abhimanyu. Most of us would know it, but for the benefit of what I want to drive I am going to retell it in short. It so happened that while Subhadra, Arjun's wife, was pregnant with a child Lord Krishna was having a conversation with her about warfare. He was explaining to her about the Military formation called The Chakravhyu known to be one of the unbreakable ones when she fell asleep. And yet, he heard "Hmmm" "Hmmm" sound that her unborn child was making signifying that he was listening to the tactics to enter it. When the Lord realized this he stopped at once. Years after this incident, during the War of Mahabharata, Abhimanyu successfully entered the Chakravhyu Formation but did not know how to get out of it, and was killed. So goes the tale of Abhimanyu!

Most of us know Abhimanyu as someone who learnt warfare in his Mother's womb. But how many of us thought it to be true? How many of us thought of Creating Abhimanyu? Of course, I am not referring to the mystical "Hmmm" that Lord Krishna heard from Subhadra's womb or the fact that he learnt Half the Art of Breaking Chakravhyu and then got killed. I am referring to the fact that we as individuals start learning whilst in the mother's womb. Did you, as parents, think that you can actually influence the personality of your unborn child? Did you ever, in your wildest dreams, fathom that you can actually make a positive attitude in the mind of the baby that has not even breathed on his own?

When I came to know that I am going to have a baby, I put myself into a rigorous regime of Healthy Diet, Pre-natal Medicines, Exercise, Resting and questioning every experienced person I know about what should I do to keep the baby healthy. And very often my Mother would say to me, "Stop worrying so much" "Keep a calm mind" "Do things that make you happy" “Talk to the baby” "Your happiness will affect the baby." 

"HOW?" I often wondered... And I didn't see how my mood and the fetus would be connected. And since I was on the mission to be the best mother ever, I did what every first time mother would. I googled! And to my astonishment Dr. Google came back with boat load of research about Pre-natal Psychology and Bonding with The Unborn Child and the Effect of Ante-Natal Bonding and lots more. There is so much to understand and learn as a parent. 

As I spent my time understanding the week by week growth of the baby, I understood the importance of Diet, Folic Acid, Vitamins, Proteins and Minerals on the growth of the baby. I kept myself updated about the tests and scans that we have to go through to monitor the growth and development of the fetus who was now rapidly developing into a baby. And to my astonishment a lot of the neurological circuit was in place even before the actual nervous system was in place. A primitive heart and Brain were in place as early as just a few weeks. Even though the baby could not listen or taste or see, it was still very much alive. Which means it had some superpower to be connected to me drawing everything from nutrition to nurturing form me – his first point of contact! Just at a few weeks, the baby had a heartbeat that would increase with mine when I felt anxious… AMAZING!

It took me a great deal of research to come to terms with the fact that as much as the physical diet and exercise was important, it was also imperative to be mindful about the thoughts, moods and attitude that I carried. Because apparently heartbeat wasn’t the only thing my unborn child would mirror. Once I realized this, my research went up a notch and I started scavenging the internet for more information about Pre-Natal Bonding. The concept that had echoed in the Tale of Abhimanyu was staring at me in the face with loads of research and facts… mythology was backed with scientific proof and suddenly I was alert of every thought I have had since then. I too want a “Healthy and Happy Baby"! So here is my understanding about Pre-natal Bonding!

What is Bonding and Why is it important?

The most relevant meaning of bonding is ‘to join or be joined securely to something else’ or ‘to establish a relationship or link with someone based on shared feelings, interests, or experiences.’

In our reference, it means to establish a connection with the life inside of you. It means to be prepared to welcome a new soul into your world and be able to express your feelings to the unborn being. It means to identify this part of you as an individual with emotions and understanding that cascades from you to it.  

To try and reflect one of the more creative adaptations of the concept “BOND” is

B – Being There

O – Offering yourself to the cause

N – Nurturing and Nourishing

D – Dedication and Determination

Keeping in mind the implication of Parents’ behavior (I say Parents’ because The Father is also as important as the mother) on the baby’s development, the fact that their thoughts and emotions also affect the development even before the baby is born remains a truth. For example, a particular psychology association admits that they get cases of Stress and Depression as early as ‘AT BIRTH’! Where does this stress come from? Many children grow up with a feeling of unwantedness (I just coined the term, but you know what I mean). It is common with the Parents who were planning and did not want a baby or who wanted a girl but had a boy or where the family had a stressful environment throughout the journey of conception to birth. It is a Fact! A rather scary one! And if you search for it, there are many research projects across the world that show us why a positive and happy attitude is so important. And we do have some tools to battle this!

I was in a fix... How can you talk to someone who isn't physically visible? It takes a lot of effort to train yourself to communicate your thoughts, even normally to others around you. Then How can you open your heart and mind to someone you haven't even met? I found that it was really difficult for me because I couldn't even feel the baby yet. How was I to talk to it? 

But I was determined to try and do my best. So here are somethings that I feel we can (try to) do to at least start are

Read Paragraphs or Books that have positive message :

Typically, I have been asked to read Ramayana aloud. Easier said than done, I say! I am not too religious and would not want to read anything religious aloud or not! However, it is a popular belief that Ramayana helps you have a baby like Lord Ram – the Ideal One! That’s what people from the Grandmother’s era believe. This knowledge is backed by a research by a leading university in the modern time. They got a group of pregnant women read a particular passage to the unborn children throughout the gestation. And the children responded to the passage even after they were born. Their expressions changed as they heard the same words. If words can make a difference, why wouldn’t the child imbibe the positive emotions that the mother has when reading it or narrating it. Maybe it forms the base of their early memory.

Cho0se your words wisely : 

Language is one of the things that the baby can learn even as it floats in your amniotic fluid. Research proves that the child learns the language he or she hears in utero much quicker than other languages. It responds to the words most frequently used by the Mother and the Father (after 20 weeks when it can actually listen to them) Hence, if you use a lot of positive and soothing words it develops the base of a positive vocabulary for the baby. An unborn child in a nuclear family typically listens to around 5000 words every day… imagine how many it hears when the mom is working or living with a joint family like in India. It is hence really important to train your tongue to bite itself before it lets out any edgy words!

Your Voice is Music to My ears, Mom :

The very first sound to an unborn child is that of the Mother’s heart and intestine! Then it’s his mother’s voice. MRI and Ultrasound Scans say that the baby cringes when it listens to high pitched voice from the Mother and post 20 weeks, around her as well. So using soothing tone while talking in general is a good idea. In my case, I cannot talk to the baby come what may! I am a talkative tortoise otherwise, but how do you talk to someone you cannot see? The simple way to overcome this challenge came to me as I was listening to this song on my playlist for the last 10 years and I started humming it. It occurred to me that I can sing to the baby whenever I listen to these songs. It has words, it has positive feel and no matter how bad I am at it, it has my voice! That was my first attempt to Bond!

Music helps :

Introducing the baby to music in utero is an excellent idea to help them calm down later. For a developing brain every day is a challenge. And many a times, it will be shadowed by anxieties and worries that you have about innumerable challenges of parenting. At such times soothing tunes and rhythmic beats help. Mozart is the first choice owing to the beats mirroring the mother’s heart beat, the music should not be loud or too heavy. That might make the baby cringe. Personally, I feel having a few lyrics in the preferred language should help more. My nephew would calm down at a few days after birth listening to Vande Mataram – our national song! It was cute… but now I understand why! Verses and mantras are a handy choice too!  Yoga and meditation with light music helps!

Talk food :

When eating describe what you eat. The baby is known to taste the food you eat post 5^th month. Don’t believe me? Well, in a study a group of women were asked to consume carrot juice during pregnancy while others had water as usual. Post birth, the children of carrot juice drinking moms preferred cereal with carrot juice as compared to the children of water drinking mothers. In my mind, food is one of the best ways to introduce the baby to your culture. Describe to it the colour and taste of things you eat. Use the safe spices so that the baby can get used to your palate. I agree that some cannot be a part of your diet, but most foods are nourishing. When you add positive thoughts to the cooking, presentation and eating these foods, they also become nurturing. Help them experience your choices.

Apart from these small things you can also indulge in art and explain the stuff you do. Engage them in every activity you have. I for one listen to and repeat a lot of positive affirmations. I don’t know if it helps him or her, but I enjoy saying good things to myself and in turn to him or her. It’s a calming experience and for someone who cannot sit up in one place for meditation, a few mins following the guided commentary is not a bad idea.

Having said all of this (albeit a long commentary) I have to say that it is not an easy task. But even the awareness about this concept helps to prepare for a wonderful soul who is going to imitate everything you do. It helps train your mind to be calm and patient – qualities needed for the challenges to come. What we do and say, reflects in the baby, even before they are born.

I am no expert in psychology or pre natal workshops or mommyhood, but I really think there is a lot to do to Create My Little Abhimanyu!