We Are Expecting!

Disclaimer :

This a not a Pregnancy announcement. It is a compilation of thoughts – some random, some experienced – now spoken out!

“A woman becomes a mother as soon as she sees the pink line on the home pregnancy test. A man becomes a father once he holds the baby” The Man Of The House said as I urged him umpteenth time to fall in line with my baby talks a trimester after we discovered that we were expecting. Till then I was trying my best to get him as invested in the process as I was without realizing that he already was a part of it. In his own way he was! It was a tongue between my teeth moment and with that started yet another of my researches on google and youtube to understand a father’s role during pregnancy. Honestly, the data that I came across is shockingly inadequate. Does nobody bother about what a father goes through?

There is so much to motherhood journey – the changes you go through, weekly updates, exercises, diet, pre-natal medication, state of mind, baby showers and every single person giving you advise about what to do and what not to do. And while you bask in the glory of hormones and pregnancy glow and measuring your baby bump, what exactly is the father up to? What is he experiencing? Let’s try to wear his shoes for the time being… Now again, this is just a role reversal exercise I tried and just like all women are not the same, all men too are different. These theories may or may not apply to all couples.

While it’s a blissful and happy time for the couple as parents-to-be, it is also the time when a hell lot of stuff changes. A more visible change occurs in the-would-be-mom… She gets sick so very often, she has a more conscious life style change, gets into the nesting instinct very often, will measure each and every step she takes and grows as the baby grows and goes on an emotional trip and so on… everyone around, known people and strangers, focus on her health and comfort. She becomes a responsible mother at the drop of the hat.

And while she is at it, the father to be, although unintentionally tends to take a back seat. While most of your near and dear ones are taking care of The Mom, The Dad is getting lectured about how his life is going to change and how he needs to save and make provisions for future and how it’s important to be more responsible and how he needs to be there for the mother and the baby. Even though he realizes his responsibility by himself, he gets told about the sleepless nights and diaper changes and the costs involved in raising the child and very often how he will no longer be able to have “we time” with his partner. Is it not natural for The Dad to also start freaking out under all this pressure?

And to top it all, his beautiful, smart and sexy wife suddenly is not available to him and more. She is like this possessed alien who refuses to be ‘just his wife’. Women don’t do it on purpose… no! They start becoming so invested in motherhood that they simply forget to be a wife. They do realize that their husband’s behavior has changed and often complain about how insensitive he is but they fail to understand that he needs her. It is an emotional roller coaster for him as well. He is the one who is deemed to be a responsible provider and having an extra mouth to feed can mean that he has to work harder to ensure his duty is fulfilled. He is expected not to fail. He is expected to earn enough to provide basic, special, medical and financial support – that too for the entire life. The women too are responsible for sharing the burden these days and most of us do too, but it’s his primary role. As a mother you are more responsible to manage the baby and be there for it and ensure a good upbringing and stuff at home. He too needs support but asking for help during this phase invites raised eyebrows even from his partner at times. He feels as anxious and confused as the Mom does, but he is the man and is not expected to show emotions. Many will argue that times have changed and that men too can express… yes they can, but how often do they really express? The only person to whom they can voice their weak moments is busy being a mom already. There is social, psychological and emotional pressure on him as well. And soon he finds himself lost in the Fatherhood!

As a couple, you have to remind yourselves that the baby is a new chapter in your life. It is definitely a life altering milestone, but the journey began when the two of you came together… The Two Of You! It is very important to realize that “The Two Of You” are a team. You have dreamt about this day together, you have counted days together and you have waited anxiously for the Pink Line together! You have to remind yourself that your partner has his or her own way of dealing with every emotion he or she feels throughout the journey of parenthood and that it is widely different from anything they have experienced or done before. Sometimes, you shouldn’t even try to understand their emotions. Just acknowledge the fact that they think and act differently.

While the mom experiences the motherhood in a more emotional way and real time, the dad experiences it through research and observation. The way a mother’s instincts work and the way a father’s logic works are parallels. But it doesn’t mean that you cannot adjust your pace accordingly. If he seems slower on the uptake, wait for him to come around. If she seems to be rushing into things, help her balance her act. The journey will become easier and simpler for both.

For example, In my case, I really wanted my husband to connect to the baby by talking to the bump even before it was seen. And he had the most difficult time trying to do it. It took me months to realize that it was natural. I was feeling the baby grow and move and exist much before he could. So it was easier for me to talk to the baby or sing to it. (as recommended by many youtube channels)

But for him, it was unscientific. He just couldn’t do it! We had intense discussions that involved making him understand, trying to send him links to articles and videos that professed this bonding and so on… but his logical mind just did not budge. So a golden handshake was made when we decided that he would recite a prayer or sing one particular song to the baby. That was a start. And one fine day, he felt the slightest movement while watching TV and instantly the scene changed. I suddenly found a father looking at me. The realization that his baby really existed and that I needed him to be there came into foreplay. That is how nature works, I guess.  

Another aspect that you have to understand is that the people around you are packed with advises and are “how to” experts. They will have the wildest theories based on experiences, beliefs, books, anecdotes, scriptures and myths. You will have an aunt telling you that you should have chicken and a grand-mom telling you that you should avoid it. You will have people guessing if it’s a boy of a girl and checking symptoms… even horoscopes. Experience sharing and comparing one pregnancy to another, will get out of hand. While it’s wise to hear everything and listen to none, you cannot discount the fact that they mean the best. More often than not you will feel obliged to please everyone. Remember the fact that YOU CAN’T!

You have to learn to think for yourself and your baby first! You will have people with a thousand expectations, but you have to learn to accept and reject them wisely. No, don’t drag a war… but reason with them. Your Partner is your best support system here. The most popular example is that of the In Laws – every set wants the pregnancy to go as per their expectations. And more often than not become insensitive to the fact the Father’s priority is now the peace and health of his wife and the baby. They forget that no matter how many monsoons they have experienced, every pregnancy is different and that the mother will always know the best for herself and the baby. These facts are often discounted. In this case, the mother expects her husband to make the family realize that there are certain things that she won’t be able to do. More often than not he has his own way of dealing with such demands. But what he needs to do is trust her when she says she can’t. What she needs to do is let him take his time to deal with these things.

It becomes important to have an open mind while having an honest conversation about these things. This is the time when you need to trust each other more than ever. Both of you are distracted by a lot of things – planning for future, appointments and follow ups, pre natal classes and all the preparations… it is natural to forget to stop and have a connect with each other as a couple. You need to understand that the larger she gets, the harder it is for her to do stuff. So before you plan something, it’s wise to discuss the pros and cons of any plan. As a father, he needs to learn to stand by her when their decisions are questioned. And as his wife, she needs to give him a reason to do so. She needs to understand that he needs to be explained logically why something is not possible for her. He is not a mind reader. This is the time when you yourself cannot reason with your own moods and thoughts, how can he? She needs to give him time to understand the changes she is going through for no medical journal or experience sharing articles are going to teach him that.

As a couple you need to understand the need to Slow Down. As an expecting mother, your nesting instincts come into play much before your partner’s protective ones do. While you are ready with your birthing plan, shopping list, pregnancy and post partum essentials and even a list of names, The Dad is still struggling with how to become a father to an invisible entity. He has his own inhibitions. And even though you don’t understand them, they are as real as the bond you feel for the baby. He too is connected, but not in the same way as you are. So it becomes even more important to remember that the both of you need to be on the same page. Discuss Finances and plan accordingly. That will help you have a better picture. He will be more comfortable knowing that you understand his side of the story as well. Explain to him the necessity of a certain decision you want to take. That will help you understand the credibility of the decision and him feel more involved. While he is stressing about what next, help him slow down as well. Help him deal with the new changes… tell him why is it that your sleeping patters have changed… help him understand why do you expect him to get up every time the door bell rings or why suddenly you are ordering food delivery and not cooking. He is doing things that he has never bothered about before – picking up cups and laying the table, taking out garbage, feeding the dog and so much more. Appreciate the fact that he is ready to be your errand boy and remember that he is so much more than that. Sometimes, he may not do stuff the way you want him to… you will want to throw things at him, including mean swear words or dagger looks or jabs… but stop yourself. Discount his mistakes. He is new to running errands. Help him learn the new patterns and the paradigm shift in routine. Understand that this change is not easy for him. It takes time for him to get there, and he deserves to be appreciated for every step he takes.

Finally, many couples, as soon as they embark on the Parenthood journey, reduce their lives to being only parents. True that life does change! Your universe tends to revolve around the baby. Every decision you take becomes ‘for the baby’. Every plan you make is centered on the baby’s well being. And this may create a situation where you forget what life was before. You may start missing the attention that you got from your partner. The intimacy in your relationship seems to be fading away. You start getting cranky because suddenly you don’t matter to your partner. Sometimes, you may want to run away or go back in time when it was just the two of you. You may also feel inadequate because you no longer have the same energy as before or you don’t indulge in the things that you were doing before. You slowly learn to suppress the negative thoughts revolving around these emotions but you cannot deny that these feelings exist. And that’s where you need to actually go back in time… Take time out for each other. Watch a movie or plan a dinner or just cuddle up under a blanket. Undertake projects that don’t involve the baby planning or shopping. Talk about stuff that used to excite you – not what color to paint the nursery in. Take walks or go grocery shopping together… grab an ice cream like you used to… share a tub of popcorn while watching Game Of Thrones. Plan surprise gifts or outings for each other. Even a hug or a pat on the back or fingers in the hair work their magic. Small gestures will help you deal with the bigger challenges together. It will be easier for you to transition from a couple to Parents-to-be with ease and finesse – more importantly Together!

That is when you will be able to say, “We Are Expecting!”