I have to give you a brief
background about my love for the silver screen… People hate going to the movies
with me for I am a living embarrassment for the snoots who pay and not have fun
while watching a movie. I have witnesses to tell you that I have watched Lagaan
like a live match at the edge of my seat. I have tortured my friends with every
single Dan Brown release saying how the book was different than the movie. It
is not easy for me to digest that the whole Dumbledore Story was not portrayed
in the Deathly Hallows as it should have been. I love Mogambo as much as
Grindlewald and want to date Shrek.
For me The Cinema hall is a wonderland and I
am like a small kid lost in Narnia. I love movies… I am in love with the whole
experience of watching larger than life images coming alive. I get involved
with each of the character, no matter how well or ill written. I pour myself
into every situation living the emotions while watching them being played on
the screen.
And yet, I am not a Shah Rukh
Khan Fan! Yes I said it! I like him as an actor and I agree that he has done
some phenomenal work as an actor and he deserves the success… but I do not fall
head over heels watching him make an entry neither do I cry when he dies!
Having said that this one movie is really close to my heart… it’s called Dear
Zindagi!
Many might raise their eyebrows
because it is not a mainstream romantic or action movie that we are used to
seeing SRK in. Many will cringe because it is kind of a movie that points us to
lesser known issue of depression and emotional turmoil. Most of us go through
some level of emotional confusion and at times aggression through life… At some
time or the other we feel like we are not doing well – personally, relationship
wise, professionally or socially… we just don’t fit in… We try to, in every way
possible, but we feel like we just don’t belong. And the biggest irony is that
while we go through the turmoil called stress, we don’t realize that all these
feeling really exist. I mean they are as real as the air we breathe. We cannot
see them, but we can feel them every moment of our life. At times, we try to
seek help from friends or family and they more often than not tell you that
it’s all in your head and everything will be fine. They are not entirely wrong!
It is there in your head… hidden
beneath the many folds of forgotten memories, unwanted experiences, your
expectations from others and from yourself, others image of you and so many
other layers of emotions that get dumped into your mind every waking hour…
sometimes even while you sleep. And if you find the courage to even seek
professional help, you are deemed stupid for over reacting. You are told that
psychiatric problems don’t exist… paid counselling is as good as throwing away
your money. It’s a taboo, because every person who goes to a psychiatrist is
mad! Even medical professionals see Psychiatric Help as the last resolve. You
have to get to the point of being suicidal if you want to be referred, and even
after that most will say that you are dealing with the situation the wrong way.
That’s the struggle, isn’t it? If I knew how to deal with the situation, wouldn’t
I do it already? Why would I need to seek help? Whether its friends, family or
professionals, one only seeks help when it is beyond one’s ability to handle
it.
And this movie is all about this
struggle. It tells us that these beliefs are rather myths. The fact is that
mental illness is a harsh reality that many amongst us deal with. And for the
lack of proper understanding we teach ourselves to ignore it. We do not talk
about it for the fear of being disapproved. Whereas, it is just like having a
cardiac or renal complain. This movie touches a lot of finer points that are
related to stress, disappointment, confusion, anxiety, fear, the thought
process behind making decisions, living with the choices we make and much more
in a very subtle and easy way. Here is what I took away from it…
As we grow up, we become selective about
our near and dear ones :
As a child I had many friends and
my best friend was the girl I shared the school bench with for 3 years. She was
like the other half of my soul and I bet she doesn’t even remember me now. Then
the girls I shared my tiffin with were my best buddies and now we just remember
each other on Birthdays – If reminded by FB. It is not their fault! I lost
touch with them as life took me places. I did not bother to check on them after
school, college or change of jobs. Except a formal Hi on the digital media, we
hardly share a conversation and at the rare occasions that we do, we end up
trying to show how fine I we are with our own lives. The warmth, the fun, the
heart to heart talks are all lost over the drag call life. I can literally
count the number of people who have stuck with me and that’s only because they
really mean something to me. They are the ones who have known me, my whims and
fancies, my weaknesses and arrogance and still love me. They are the ones I
chose because I could see that they were ready to put in the efforts to save
what we had.
When you face a choice, choosing the
easier way isn’t discreditable :
Let’s say you have a kidney
stone. It’s a normal medical issue and many face it. Now there are two options,
take a few tablets over a few weeks or months and hope they help or go through
a surgery and get them broken instantly. What is the easier way out? I guess,
the medicines… because it means that you don’t have to sacrifice a day or two
to the procedure, pre procedure tests and stuff can be avoided and so could any
other complications post the surgery. Besides, if the medicines work, you won’t
end up spending a fortune! You would like to give it a try if given a choice,
won’t you?
Then why don’t you do exactly
that when it comes to emotional choices. Why do you put yourself under the
scalpel all the time? Why don’t you even consider that there might be an easier
way out? We think and over think and rethink about the problems or choices we
face so much that we make them bigger than they actually are. And then they
overshadow the simple and easy solutions. If you have financial challenges, you
will beat every bush possible to make big savings and investments to secure your
future. That is a good way. But we often over think about it and let it affect
our peace. We can look at smaller investments too, can’t we? Similarly, when you
have emotional challenges, simpler fixes are possible without taxing your
happiness.
It’s okay to not be a part of the system
that burdens you with their judgements :
When I decided to work in a call
center (After being a trained Chef) most people thought I was making a wrong
decision. Most said - what do you do there?... The call center culture is bad…who
will marry someone who works nights… you are a girl working odd hours… what
about family life… The west influences you in a bad way. What most of them were
scared of is the unknown. We, at call centers, have safe transport, celebrate
our festivals as communities, learn about other cultures, work the same 9 hours
with decent breaks and growth based on performance, get married and have kids
too. Yes we learn that it’s okay to have live ins, be gay, live away from
parents or have a modern approach and some free minded people adapt to that
lifestyle as well. But that experience used to pull me down so much that I
became more of a rebel. I was earning for myself and had a decent social circle
of like minded people. So they became closer and others who judged started
fading away from my life. They judged me for my lifestyle and I judged them for
judging me.
Today when I look back I realize
that I lost my peace of mind to people who did not know what I did sitting at
my desk with head phones on all night. They did not know that almost every year
I was moving up the ladder because my managers recognized my effort, much like
any white collared corporate slave does between 9 to 5. My battle was not
against the people who judged my outings or jeans or annual day dances, it was
against myself! They just saw me doing different stuff and did not understand why.
And I was too judgmental to explain to them the reality as I experienced it. It
took me a better part of my life to realize that I don’t need to think about
the sentence that the society makes for me. Whether I chose to ride the donkey,
carry it or walk alongside it, people will talk. They will always judge you. And
let them… It should not pull you down!
You will have to sit on many chairs
before you chose the right one :
This is one of the most crucial
things I learnt. A few years back I met a school friend after almost a decade.
She has done well for her… has worked on a bank for years together, has a
loving husband and a cute little daughter. She asked me, “You change so many
jobs and live like a wild life… don’t you have to answer anyone?” I just smiled…
because by that time I was tired of answering people… In fact, I was tired of
making up answers that they wanted to hear… The truth was, I hadn’t found my
calling! I couldn’t see myself growing in the job I was doing. I couldn’t hold
on to the conventional ways of gaining the bosses approval. I wanted to break
free!
I have skipped many jobs – Direct
selling, teaching, calling, sales, technical support, hotel industry, catering,
training and so on… before I got married I have had a couple of break ups too.
Am I ashamed of any of my choices? Hell No!
I had to try everything I thought
I am good at before deciding what I really wanted from life. I had to experience
the wreak of relationships before I could actually appreciate the beauty on the
one I have right now. I had to be rejected by scum, before I realized what
being valued by an equal feels like. And today, after every leap I took,
whether I feel or stood up tall, I learnt a lot of stuff. Today, I can say to
the friend I mentioned, “You have what you call a perfect life and I have what
I wanted.”
Learn to forgive – Others as well as
yourself :
How often do we play the blame
game!
“I turned out to be a failure because
you pushed me to be an engineer when I wanted to be an artist.”
“I lost the deal because of the
inadequate research from my team…”
“I wasted so much time when I
could have been working on myself.”
So often do we blame others and
ourselves for the mistakes that may or may not be important. Is it not easy to
let go of those negative experiences? Is it not easy to rectify the damage or
at least control it? Is it not easier to forgive and move on? I mean it takes a
lot of effort to get negative experiences out of your mind and for you to be
normal in spite of the bitterness… but it takes much more effort to carry the
burden further. It takes a lot more nerve to keep telling yourself that you
cannot let go of the negativity. I mean just burn you worries and spread the
ashes. Why would you want to carry the burden when you can use the same energy
to do something better with life?
Maybe your parents couldn’t be
with you while growing up or your sibling was really mean to you or your
girlfriend dumped you for the ugly old guy with the bigger car or your boss
favors the girl in the short skirt over you... does that really have enough
power to take away your peace of mind till you walk towards your grave? Maybe
you messed up your marriage or hurt someone or added more salt to the food or
forgot to feed the fish and they died… would that mean that it is the end of
the world? All you have to do is find a way out, forgive the situation and move
on with a positive lesson.
It’s okay to feel bad… It’s okay to
express your feelings… as long as you overcome them :
What happens when you obstruct
running water? It stagnates… accumulates residue… evaporates and what’s left is
filth and then it will soon start stinking. The same happens with food and
clothes and furniture… if keeping stuff locked up, stored and unused can spoil
it, why is our mind an exception? Why are our emotions spoilage proof? Wouldn’t
your grief start to grow monsters like anxiety and fear if you don’t show it a
way out? Won’t the pent up anger turn you into an abusive animal if you don’t channelize
it the right way? Won’t your happiness turn into an eye sore for the less
fortunate if you don’t express it just enough? Every emotion or even thought
you experience is fluid and needs a proper way to flow. If you obstruct it you
are only doing yourself harm. it may seem safe in the short span, but in the
long run, you are risking your personality to stink of stagnated emotions. They
will turn muddy and bitter.
We all feel sad or hurt or angry
or anxious or overwhelmed… that’s a sign that you are alive. All you need to
remind yourself is that it is okay to let yourself feel everything. It is okay
to allow yourself to express what you feel… as long as you live the feeling and
learn to get over it, it is okay? As long as it doesn’t harm you or anyone
close to you, it is okay?
This is not really an easy task…
It takes a lion’s heart to even recognize these feelings. We are trained to
constraint. We are taught not to express rather than harness our mind… and it
will be a really taxing experience to train your mind otherwise. Here is where
we need help… more on it a little later. But you have to start telling yourself
that it is okay to own those fickle feelings you have and learn to express
them.
Seeking help is not an embarrassment :
A few years back when I was still
struggling to find my calling, I was constantly blaming myself for being a
failure. I found reasons not to be happy in any situation. I had become
suspicious of my decisions and was unable to get my thoughts organized, very
often I found myself lost and could hardly concentrate on anything… I lost
sleep over other people’s opinion about me and forgot what it was like to be
myself. To make matters worse, I didn’t know that this was happening to me. I
tried speaking to my near and dear ones, but all I got was - It’s a phase or There is nothing wrong with
you or What stress? There is nothing called stress or My issues are bigger than
yours… I wanted to seek professional help because I could really get the right
answers from my immediate sources, but that too was discounted saying that’s just
waste of money and time. You will be paying for the same stuff that we are
saying. And medication was something I didn’t want to get into at the time…
But then I came across an
astrologer (Thanks to a friend who referred me to her) and for some reason it
was okay to visit her rather than a psychiatric expert! (Ironical Sigh) She did
not really give me any solution to the situation… no gems or prayers or
rituals, for that matter she hardly spoke in terms of astrology… she just heard
me out and gave me simple pros and cons of every decision that I was afraid of
taking. And that changed things… soon after that I did seek help from a
Certified Psychologist, you know the therapist who help you speak… I did have a
few sessions and learnt some tools to help me organize my thoughts and analyze
them. I was not afraid of asking questions and was open to hearing the answers
that I somehow denied before. I was comfortable with my fears and my confusions
and could empty my mind knowing that my thoughts are still safe… what a relief
it was!
There is no shame in seeking help…
wouldn’t you seek help if you broke a bone or had a head ache or a cavity in
your tooth? Then why can’t we seek help to sort our mental health and get rid
of the infections?
All in all, Team Dear Zindagi,
voiced many finer things that happen and affect us. They helped many realize
that giving yourself a second chance isn’t a bad thing. Don’t live a life that
is based on other’s expectations of you, which will burden you. Live a life
where you allow yourself to appreciate the finer things in life and that will
empower you.
